It is December 31, New Years Eve, so therefore one must write a "New Year" post, right? Certainly, as the last page of 2013 is about to turn, reflection over the past year is not remiss.
For me, it seems as if it has been a very looooooooooooooong year! In fact, it has been the standard 12 months, like every other year, but it feels longer. On December 31, 2012, I was just gearing up to attend my first college class! I've only been "in college" for one year?? It feels like FOREVER!
I have a "happy jar" that I started on New Year's last year....i'm going to read all of my little notes tonight, but I stopped adding "happy notes" several months ago! Shame on me! I'm going to start a new one for this year, and hope to not drop the ball this time. I'm looking forward to reading what is in that jar, though. As I sit here mentally sifting through the year....there is just too much! Weddings and school and babies and death and pigs and, and, and.......!!!!
I am not making any resolutions...i'm lived through enough Januaries to know that resolutions are futile. Honestly, marking time by years is not really something I do anymore. I wake up every morning with new hope for a new day!
As I peer into the foggy specter of 2014, this is what I hope and plan for, with the disclaimer that any expectations are folly and only God knows what this year will really bring...
*Survive, mentally and emotionally, for as many days as God allows me days...
*Get through Savanna's tonsil surgery without having a heart attack.
*Be kind, compassionate and not selfish, and be a better, more thoughtful and considerate wife, mom, daughter, auntie, friend..
*Pass algebra like a rock star..
*Master this photo thing so that my posts have some visual interest, and so I can change my profile picture which is a year and a half old...
*For goodness sake, remember that all of those weight management efforts are not about vanity, but about FEELING GOOD and having the mental and emotional energy to live!
*Stop thinking I have to be my own hero and "let go and let God"....
And ditch my anger issues, which is not generally a problem for me. However, one might discern that there is a problem when one is writing and rewriting (mentally) a scene in a story wherein a strange little man is the protagonist who gets beat down by a girl (who has a face resembling one's self)....I actually have a pretty nasty temper, but it takes forever to awaken that dragon, and I am talking YEARS, decades even....i just don't get really angry that easily, and I make a point to deal with any anger as it comes up, so that it doesn't get to the point of blind rage, because that's just never pretty....however, I have become aware of quite a lot of anger bubbles, and it's not even at anyone or anything specific, just in general, and I'm pretty sure it probably has to do with a delayed grieving process....in any case, it's disturbing, and while i'm not happy with myself, i'm thankful to have become aware so that it can be dealt with and defused...
Movies aren't really my thing. I would far rather read a book, or have a conversation, or play a game of scrabble than watch movies. Of the ones I have watched, there are very very few that I thought were worth the time spent. Going to the movies, at a theater, is not something we, as a family are in the habit of. However, last night ducks 2 and 5 were going on a "siblings" date to see the Desolation of Smaug (A hobbit movie) and duck 3 was in town for a dr. appt, so she and I decided to tag along. Once I got past the sticker shock...(5 bucks for a soda??? No wonder we don't go to the theater! Pretty pricey form of entertainment!) i'm not sorry that I went! We watched it in 3D, and it ROCKED!
And that is the end of this New Year's post. Mostly because I just have a lot to do, since tomorrow is another holiday day....
What are your thoughts on 2014?
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Confessions
This shall be a photo-less post...
all of my pictures (1000+) are on my recently retired phone, and I never bothered to back anything up on icloud, because I have no clue what icloud is or how to use it.
Ergo, no pictures.
It has been a hectic, chaotic, full-on crazy few months, and frankly I am exhausted! There has been so much going on, and most of it I can't even talk about because even though these are issues and events that profoundly affect me and my life, they AREN'T MY STORIES TO TELL! So I don't even know why I am bothering to write a post!
Confession time, I guess. In the midst of all of that stuff that I can't talk about, and other stuff and taking care of a baby who just doesn't like me quite as much as she likes her mama, and hostessing Thanksgiving and what not, (the Chief was on vacation that week, but there was SO MUCH going on, we didn't have 5 minutes together, and it sure wasn't restful or relaxing!) I managed to make an A in English 1302, be highly recommended to the creative writing class, and consequently be enthusiastically invited to said class (Oh joy, oh excitement, oh happy day) all of which was a big and much needed confidence boost...but FAILED SKUNKY ALGEBRA!!!!!!!!!! Well, I ended up with a D, but I had to at least have a C to pass sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo no writing class for me. I have to take...AND PASS!!...math 0320 again. And a bunch of people to say "I told you so" to. I really have to tell you, I am so bummed and discouraged and disgusted and embarrassed and all kinds of other stuff, and seriously, I feel like just giving up. I just spent an entire semester not doing a bunch of stuff (like with the kids, or keeping up with the house, working out, finishing my painting projects, etc) so I could do this, not to mention the money involved, and now I have to do it again! I feel like i'm wasting a whole bunch of time and money and I should just forget it and go back to regular life.
But what kind of example would that be?? When the going gets tough, quit? When it's not fun and you've lost focus and feel like a big loser you should just GIVE UP?? That is what kind of example that would be, and I would strongly discourage my kids or loved ones or friends from doing that! So here I go, back to Algebra.
Also in this disastrous semester, I GAINED BACK twenty pounds. Yes, twenty. It's awful. I don't have any fat clothes left, and I darn sure am not getting any more, so I am squeezing my mass into clothes that don't fit well, and not only do I feel like I look awful but I KNOW that I FEEL awful! My joints hurt, my head hurts, I have a killer sinus issue going on, my BP is up, i'm not sleeping great, or frankly at my best mentally or emotionally....ALL of which are GREATLY improved when I eat well (IE: fresh whole home made food, no refined empty carbs or wheat, etc) and work out regularly!
So now not only do I have to retake this semester of algebra, (and pass) I also have to re-lose twenty pounds, plus some more because I wasn't actually done yet!
I'm really hoping to get it ALL back together by the time school starts again, and i'm reading a book a little at a time called "Boundaries" that the chief said I should read. Much of it makes sense, but whether or not i'm actually capable of implementing "personal boundaries" is the question!
I'm thinking of having soup and sammiches for the holiday dinner. I wonder how that would go over? :)
Now I shall share with you a nice story. I saved up a bunch of money to buy The Chief some wood working tools that he wants. He took it and ordered Joey's headstone. And then Chanelle felt like pitching in on that. So the chief has no tools, and Chanelle and her hubbies savings is smaller, but Joey is going to have a headstone soon! What a guy, huh? and what a kid!
And that's what's up! What's up with you?
Quack!
all of my pictures (1000+) are on my recently retired phone, and I never bothered to back anything up on icloud, because I have no clue what icloud is or how to use it.
Ergo, no pictures.
It has been a hectic, chaotic, full-on crazy few months, and frankly I am exhausted! There has been so much going on, and most of it I can't even talk about because even though these are issues and events that profoundly affect me and my life, they AREN'T MY STORIES TO TELL! So I don't even know why I am bothering to write a post!
Confession time, I guess. In the midst of all of that stuff that I can't talk about, and other stuff and taking care of a baby who just doesn't like me quite as much as she likes her mama, and hostessing Thanksgiving and what not, (the Chief was on vacation that week, but there was SO MUCH going on, we didn't have 5 minutes together, and it sure wasn't restful or relaxing!) I managed to make an A in English 1302, be highly recommended to the creative writing class, and consequently be enthusiastically invited to said class (Oh joy, oh excitement, oh happy day) all of which was a big and much needed confidence boost...but FAILED SKUNKY ALGEBRA!!!!!!!!!! Well, I ended up with a D, but I had to at least have a C to pass sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo no writing class for me. I have to take...AND PASS!!...math 0320 again. And a bunch of people to say "I told you so" to. I really have to tell you, I am so bummed and discouraged and disgusted and embarrassed and all kinds of other stuff, and seriously, I feel like just giving up. I just spent an entire semester not doing a bunch of stuff (like with the kids, or keeping up with the house, working out, finishing my painting projects, etc) so I could do this, not to mention the money involved, and now I have to do it again! I feel like i'm wasting a whole bunch of time and money and I should just forget it and go back to regular life.
But what kind of example would that be?? When the going gets tough, quit? When it's not fun and you've lost focus and feel like a big loser you should just GIVE UP?? That is what kind of example that would be, and I would strongly discourage my kids or loved ones or friends from doing that! So here I go, back to Algebra.
Also in this disastrous semester, I GAINED BACK twenty pounds. Yes, twenty. It's awful. I don't have any fat clothes left, and I darn sure am not getting any more, so I am squeezing my mass into clothes that don't fit well, and not only do I feel like I look awful but I KNOW that I FEEL awful! My joints hurt, my head hurts, I have a killer sinus issue going on, my BP is up, i'm not sleeping great, or frankly at my best mentally or emotionally....ALL of which are GREATLY improved when I eat well (IE: fresh whole home made food, no refined empty carbs or wheat, etc) and work out regularly!
So now not only do I have to retake this semester of algebra, (and pass) I also have to re-lose twenty pounds, plus some more because I wasn't actually done yet!
I'm really hoping to get it ALL back together by the time school starts again, and i'm reading a book a little at a time called "Boundaries" that the chief said I should read. Much of it makes sense, but whether or not i'm actually capable of implementing "personal boundaries" is the question!
I'm thinking of having soup and sammiches for the holiday dinner. I wonder how that would go over? :)
Now I shall share with you a nice story. I saved up a bunch of money to buy The Chief some wood working tools that he wants. He took it and ordered Joey's headstone. And then Chanelle felt like pitching in on that. So the chief has no tools, and Chanelle and her hubbies savings is smaller, but Joey is going to have a headstone soon! What a guy, huh? and what a kid!
And that's what's up! What's up with you?
Quack!
Friday, December 6, 2013
A blog of little brain
I want to blog. I had no intention of leaving my blog idle for over a month now. However, between classes and homework and babies and holidays.....um, there is no time to blog. The only reason I still facebook is because I have FB on my iphone and can do that in odd minutes in between this and that.
I have an algebra final on Monday and then I am done with school for the semester! What will happen next is a mystery. Either I will solidly pass my final and be through with algebra at least for now, or I won't in which case I will be retaking this class next semester. (I am in possession of enough funds for only one class for the spring semester.) If I do pass, and I get accepted into the writing class (my English professor indicated that she would be glad to give me a recommendation) then I will be taking THAT class next semester. If I pass algebra, but don't get accepted into the writing class, then I have no clue what is next. I guess I will be altogether done, unless another idea makes itself known.
In any case...perhaps I will be able to get some blogging in during the winter break!
I have an algebra final on Monday and then I am done with school for the semester! What will happen next is a mystery. Either I will solidly pass my final and be through with algebra at least for now, or I won't in which case I will be retaking this class next semester. (I am in possession of enough funds for only one class for the spring semester.) If I do pass, and I get accepted into the writing class (my English professor indicated that she would be glad to give me a recommendation) then I will be taking THAT class next semester. If I pass algebra, but don't get accepted into the writing class, then I have no clue what is next. I guess I will be altogether done, unless another idea makes itself known.
In any case...perhaps I will be able to get some blogging in during the winter break!
Friday, November 1, 2013
Whatsoever Things Are Lovely
This is my newest grand-daughter, Audrey Lola. She was born on Oct. 4, and this photo of her is from yesterday, Halloween. She is wearing her spidey jammies.
This is part of the rest of our trick or treating gang. From left are my two youngest daughters, the little one is my great niece, the two little boys are my great nephews, and Alice there in front is my other grand-daughter (Audrey's big sister, Natalie.)
And this is my coffee table that a week ago was unpainted wood, and now it is teal blue, thanks to my hubs, The Chief! I was VERY unsure about the whole thing when he took my furniture to the back yard and started sanding, but I think I love it. A lot.
These are all lovely things, are they not?
Know what's not lovely? The short stories we have been studying in English Comp 2. Not lovely at all. "A Rose For Emily"(Faulkner). "The Lottery".(Jackson). "Hills Like White Elephants"(Hemingway). "Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been?"(Oates). These are just a few that we have studied, and I actually read some of the other stories that we AREN'T studying.
What do these stories have in common?
*Classic Literature
*Studied and interpreted and studied some more.
*Included in an anthology for an English class.
*Dark, grim, and icky.
*Not lovely
It seems as if that trend continues. The dark, grim, and icky seems to be popular with society. I base this observation on the fact that I learned to avoid anything that had been an "Oprah Book Club" selection, and many on the "Best Sellers" list for the very reason that they lean toward the dark side.
In studying these stories, we have learned some about the authors, and what the critics think. It is well known that many authors as well as other artsy types are a moody bunch to start with. Then we hear about how maybe their mothers didn't love them, or they weren't accepted in their community (in the case of Oates) or, in the case of the poet Robert Frost, his daughters were divorced and his son died, and this is why he had depression and wrote some dark poetry.
Listen. Basic human nature is not lovely. Life circumstances are not always lovely. Depression is not lovely. Man's inhumanity to man is not lovely.
I have an intimate knowledge of some unlovely things.
Very recently I was reminded of some things from my past that I don't really dwell on because it is the past and because it is dark and icky.
Once upon a time, in another life, I was married to this guy. He was a meth addict/dealer, and an emotional manipulator, and a terrible husband. Honest to goodness I was so naive....I had no idea that there were people that actually lived and behaved this way! Every time I wanted out, he would either be really really good for awhile or threaten violence or suicide. But then he would tell me things like he couldn't take me "out" with him, because I didn't act or dress right for his crowd. Then he left me for a TEENAGER!!!!!
And then 5 years ago October, he hung himself.
Then there was some other stuff.
And then some other stuff.
We've declared bankruptcy...been homeless except for the kindness of family. Then Joey died. And then a lot of other stuff stemming from that experience.
Including not only coping with the death of my son, but watching other of my loved ones suffer from that loss and not being able to do anything!!!
And some other stuff.
Oh, and I do live with bipolar 2 disorder, which lends itself to very intense moods.
Honestly, I have a point.
I know about darkness.
The devil knows my name.
I'v smelled the brimstone of hell.
Been singed by demons dogging my steps and grasping for me.
I'v been to the dark side of the moon.
AND I DON'T LIKE IT THERE!!!
I much prefer to walk in the light!!
And while I DO write in the darkest hour, NOBODY EVER READS that stuff because in the writing of it, I am purging toxins, and if I served them up for public consumption, it would be like spreading a virus. Like a zombie apocalypse! Why would I do that???
I would NOT, but apparently, many many many other authors DO do that, and society EATS IT UP!!
So I don't know that writing will ever really soar for me, because I OBJECT to the spreading of unloveliness, and it seems to me like the world at large could use some more LIGHT rather than grimness, but it also seems like it doesn't want it.
There is a verse in scripture that says:
Philippians 4:8
Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
So in dwelling on things that are true, honest, just, pure, lovely, of good report....
I WON'T be dwelling on the things that AREN'T, which then lends itself to peace, contentment, joyfulness, and LIGHT!!!
And that is my latest gripe about English Composition, and why I don't actually think I will ever be a published author....it's the grim stuff that seems to appeal to humanity, and grim is not my style.
But I will live (probably) to quack another day!
So in dwelling on things that are true, honest, just, pure, lovely, of good report....
I WON'T be dwelling on the things that AREN'T, which then lends itself to peace, contentment, joyfulness, and LIGHT!!!
And that is my latest gripe about English Composition, and why I don't actually think I will ever be a published author....it's the grim stuff that seems to appeal to humanity, and grim is not my style.
But I will live (probably) to quack another day!
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
It's time to admit, i'm just a lil ole bohemian gypsy hippie, and that's ok.
I'm so excited! Awash in gladness and a certain kind of joyfulness! The reason is a little ridiculous, but it is what it is.
It has to do with my living room re-do. And personal style. And human nature in general.
I'v always always struggled with self confidence, and used an inordinate amount of time and energy trying to figure out where I fit and how to be my "authentic" self, which spills over into "style". What is MY style? What is the outward manifestation of me? I don't know if that's just me, but I sort of suspect that this is unchecked human nature. I think that there is something in us that wants to be known and validated. "We" don't want to be the same as every one else, or we don't want to be different than everyone else. This is often expressed in the clothes we wear, the cars we drive, our home environment.
"Doing" my home is far more complicated than it really should be. I once was told that I need to just pick a style...any style...and stick with it. However, I have never really seen one that I loved enough to do my whole house, or even a whole room, in JUST that style! I don't have a favorite anything and I don't like when I am asked what my favorite "fill in the blank" is. I like lots of things. I like color and texture and a little of this and a little of that, and what it boils down to is that, in the quest to figure myself out, i'v really been trying to find one specific box to stuff myself in, and as it turns out NO BOX CAN HOLD ME! Bwaaahahahahaha! I am everybody! I am everything!
It's an issue that The Chief has very specific tastes that don't really match mine so much, and as it turns out, he cares. In fact, we are very much "opposites" in many ways. If you have ever seen the most current version of "yours, mine, and ours"...well, that reminds me of us in some ways. I have been avoiding the whole "decorating" issue, as it has just been stressing me out, so then I was all on the white on white cottage-y vintage-y thing, until I discovered that he doesn't really like that, so it's back to square one. The poor fella is gone so much and works so hard that he deserves to come home to an environment that is comforting to him. So as soon as he tells me what that is, that's the way we shall go. Because I love him and appreciate him, and my happiness and satisfaction does not depend on "stuff". In case anyone is thinking that I am "sacrificing" my own wants/needs/etc.
In the meantime, I was recently bored, and scrolling through Pinterest when I saw a pin of a living room that perked my little heart right up. That lead to more and more and more and MORE....and I am so ecstatically relieved that I absolutely DO have a style, and it is called Eclectic/Bohemian!
Okay, I admit it, out loud. I AM an eclectic bohemian free spirit! Admittedly, I am a MODERATE bohemian, but still....there it is!!!!!!! I
HAAAAAAAAA ha ha HAAAAAAA!
This doesn't really help my decorating dilemma, as I share this space with other people. People who are more on the conservative, traditional side.
I don't get to dig up my front yard and plant a garden there. I don't get to paint my wood floor. i don't get to let my bohemian spirit flow out into my home environment. Because that would make others not feel at home in their home.
But that's okay. At least I KNOW! And some day, I really hope to have the Joey Memorial Library (we both have an insane number of books, and his former room is currently unoccupied, knock on wood) which will also serve as my office space, and he would totally approve of my Bohemian atmosphere, especially if I stick a dragon on top of a shelve somewhere.
But, as far as my living room re-do...we did come to an agreement on paint color, and the paint is purchased, and if i would get off of here, and do some homework, I could get started on the painting! I took before pics, which I will share when I have some afters.
Quackity Quack! :)
It has to do with my living room re-do. And personal style. And human nature in general.
I'v always always struggled with self confidence, and used an inordinate amount of time and energy trying to figure out where I fit and how to be my "authentic" self, which spills over into "style". What is MY style? What is the outward manifestation of me? I don't know if that's just me, but I sort of suspect that this is unchecked human nature. I think that there is something in us that wants to be known and validated. "We" don't want to be the same as every one else, or we don't want to be different than everyone else. This is often expressed in the clothes we wear, the cars we drive, our home environment.
"Doing" my home is far more complicated than it really should be. I once was told that I need to just pick a style...any style...and stick with it. However, I have never really seen one that I loved enough to do my whole house, or even a whole room, in JUST that style! I don't have a favorite anything and I don't like when I am asked what my favorite "fill in the blank" is. I like lots of things. I like color and texture and a little of this and a little of that, and what it boils down to is that, in the quest to figure myself out, i'v really been trying to find one specific box to stuff myself in, and as it turns out NO BOX CAN HOLD ME! Bwaaahahahahaha! I am everybody! I am everything!
It's an issue that The Chief has very specific tastes that don't really match mine so much, and as it turns out, he cares. In fact, we are very much "opposites" in many ways. If you have ever seen the most current version of "yours, mine, and ours"...well, that reminds me of us in some ways. I have been avoiding the whole "decorating" issue, as it has just been stressing me out, so then I was all on the white on white cottage-y vintage-y thing, until I discovered that he doesn't really like that, so it's back to square one. The poor fella is gone so much and works so hard that he deserves to come home to an environment that is comforting to him. So as soon as he tells me what that is, that's the way we shall go. Because I love him and appreciate him, and my happiness and satisfaction does not depend on "stuff". In case anyone is thinking that I am "sacrificing" my own wants/needs/etc.
In the meantime, I was recently bored, and scrolling through Pinterest when I saw a pin of a living room that perked my little heart right up. That lead to more and more and more and MORE....and I am so ecstatically relieved that I absolutely DO have a style, and it is called Eclectic/Bohemian!
Okay, I admit it, out loud. I AM an eclectic bohemian free spirit! Admittedly, I am a MODERATE bohemian, but still....there it is!!!!!!! I
HAAAAAAAAA ha ha HAAAAAAA!
This doesn't really help my decorating dilemma, as I share this space with other people. People who are more on the conservative, traditional side.
I don't get to dig up my front yard and plant a garden there. I don't get to paint my wood floor. i don't get to let my bohemian spirit flow out into my home environment. Because that would make others not feel at home in their home.
But that's okay. At least I KNOW! And some day, I really hope to have the Joey Memorial Library (we both have an insane number of books, and his former room is currently unoccupied, knock on wood) which will also serve as my office space, and he would totally approve of my Bohemian atmosphere, especially if I stick a dragon on top of a shelve somewhere.
But, as far as my living room re-do...we did come to an agreement on paint color, and the paint is purchased, and if i would get off of here, and do some homework, I could get started on the painting! I took before pics, which I will share when I have some afters.
Quackity Quack! :)
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Where Is My Cape??
Howdy, fellas!
I haven't made a blog post in 19 days! Why? I dunno. Just haven't been feeling it. Also, i'v been extremely busy. You know, with school and family and the new baby and all...
Little Miss Audrey Lola was born on Oct. 4 (10-4, and in this family with a trucking background, that makes us smile...10-4?) There was all that hoopla about how she wasn't growing, that she was an IUGR baby, and poor Charity endured all that worry and concern, non stress tests twice a week and an amniocentesis or however that word is spelled...and Audrey was 6 lbs 2 oz! Perfectly acceptable size! Charity was in labor for 7ish hours, and wah lah, we have a new baby! She's so sweet and beautiful and perfect! She is also a good baby and sleeps well, and has gained 13 oz in two weeks! Charity has recovered well and is already, 2 weeks in, back to pre-pregnancy size.
Truth is, i'm in a bit of a funk these days. It's ridiculous, really. It's not like I don't have plenty to be thankful for and happy about.
For all my faith that I would like to think I have, I am paralyzed with fear. Just waiting around for the next dramatic, tragic event that we are going to have to cope with. Every morning, I wake up with an elephant of panic and anxiety sitting on my chest and a cloud of gloom swirling around my head. Now I have this beautiful new grand daughter, which should bring me all kinds of joy, and every time I look at her, I think about how much I adore her, and how now there is one more person that I love madly and have to worry about.
Every day, i open my math book, and it's like a brand new day...it's all in Russian or something and I have no idea what's going on.
I hate the literature that we are studying...we just got through with "The Lottery" and have now started on "Hills Like White Elephants", which, as far as I can tell, is an extremely short story about a girl who is knocked up, and the couple is discussing her upcoming abortion, and we are supposed to analyze this scene, and again, I am staggered by the reality that this story is about two pages long, and it has been studied and analyzed to death, and it appears to myself that I am not a very good English/Literature person, and I did not make a stellar grade on the Works Cited quiz, which is the modern Bibliography, and I find myself still faced with a rain forest of vines blocking my path to the future and the machete in hand is becoming dull.
In other words: I STILL DON'T KNOW where I fit and what i'm supposed to be doing!!!! And all I really want to do is generate an income, doing something that isn't completely dull and hideous, so my man can be home and we can be a family and maybe we can hang out sometimes and do some fun stuff together(and not be homeless) before one of us dies or lives in a nursing home.
So there. You see why I haven't been blogging?
That is why. I'm in a weird place, and really irritating myself.
As a person of faith, I realize that the scripture has plenty to say about fear, and about being at peace and content with what we have, trusting in the bigger picture....
After everything that has happened over the past 5 years, and all the evidence of The Bigger Picture...and NOW i'm having a crises??
I don't even know what to say to myself!
Did I forget to mention that I have gained a few lbs back since school started???
Maybe I just need a few naps. OR maybe I just need to plan my time more wisely so that I have more time to study and meal plan and work out, hmmm? Honestly. Meditation and yoga and clean eating and exercise and solid sleep all very much contribute to balanced mental health, and these are ALL things that I haven't worked into my schedule recently.
Or a vacation. A vacation might be good.
I haven't made a blog post in 19 days! Why? I dunno. Just haven't been feeling it. Also, i'v been extremely busy. You know, with school and family and the new baby and all...
Little Miss Audrey Lola was born on Oct. 4 (10-4, and in this family with a trucking background, that makes us smile...10-4?) There was all that hoopla about how she wasn't growing, that she was an IUGR baby, and poor Charity endured all that worry and concern, non stress tests twice a week and an amniocentesis or however that word is spelled...and Audrey was 6 lbs 2 oz! Perfectly acceptable size! Charity was in labor for 7ish hours, and wah lah, we have a new baby! She's so sweet and beautiful and perfect! She is also a good baby and sleeps well, and has gained 13 oz in two weeks! Charity has recovered well and is already, 2 weeks in, back to pre-pregnancy size.
Truth is, i'm in a bit of a funk these days. It's ridiculous, really. It's not like I don't have plenty to be thankful for and happy about.
For all my faith that I would like to think I have, I am paralyzed with fear. Just waiting around for the next dramatic, tragic event that we are going to have to cope with. Every morning, I wake up with an elephant of panic and anxiety sitting on my chest and a cloud of gloom swirling around my head. Now I have this beautiful new grand daughter, which should bring me all kinds of joy, and every time I look at her, I think about how much I adore her, and how now there is one more person that I love madly and have to worry about.
Every day, i open my math book, and it's like a brand new day...it's all in Russian or something and I have no idea what's going on.
I hate the literature that we are studying...we just got through with "The Lottery" and have now started on "Hills Like White Elephants", which, as far as I can tell, is an extremely short story about a girl who is knocked up, and the couple is discussing her upcoming abortion, and we are supposed to analyze this scene, and again, I am staggered by the reality that this story is about two pages long, and it has been studied and analyzed to death, and it appears to myself that I am not a very good English/Literature person, and I did not make a stellar grade on the Works Cited quiz, which is the modern Bibliography, and I find myself still faced with a rain forest of vines blocking my path to the future and the machete in hand is becoming dull.
In other words: I STILL DON'T KNOW where I fit and what i'm supposed to be doing!!!! And all I really want to do is generate an income, doing something that isn't completely dull and hideous, so my man can be home and we can be a family and maybe we can hang out sometimes and do some fun stuff together(and not be homeless) before one of us dies or lives in a nursing home.
So there. You see why I haven't been blogging?
That is why. I'm in a weird place, and really irritating myself.
As a person of faith, I realize that the scripture has plenty to say about fear, and about being at peace and content with what we have, trusting in the bigger picture....
After everything that has happened over the past 5 years, and all the evidence of The Bigger Picture...and NOW i'm having a crises??
I don't even know what to say to myself!
Did I forget to mention that I have gained a few lbs back since school started???
Maybe I just need a few naps. OR maybe I just need to plan my time more wisely so that I have more time to study and meal plan and work out, hmmm? Honestly. Meditation and yoga and clean eating and exercise and solid sleep all very much contribute to balanced mental health, and these are ALL things that I haven't worked into my schedule recently.
Or a vacation. A vacation might be good.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
A Memoir: How Math Ruined My Life and Wrecked My Spirit
I missed math class yesterday. This is my third semester of college classes, and this is the first class that I have missed. In fact, the very first semester, I went to double classes, M-Th, every flipping one. It must have been a huge unavoidable crises situation, right?
Wrong.
I'v lost complete control of my life, my time, and my mind. I was digging my books out of my bag at the start of my 9:30 AM English class, and noted that it was suspiciously and unseasonably light and empty. Hmmm, what was missing?
Oh. Right. My Intermediate Algebra materials. With a sudden, leaden sinking of my heart, I realized that I had put my homework and whatnot into my binder, but never actually put it in my book bag. My dilemma: Algebra class is directly after English. So what's a binder-less girl to do? Show up to class WITH NO MATERIALS? Go home, get my books, and come back, thereby being excessively tardy? I'll tell you what this girl did. I panicked, chose to just skip the stupid class, and went to visit my ducks in the college library. Mhmm.
After which, I realized that I should have just gone to class, accepted the professor's disapproval like a woman, and moved on. But no. That's not what I did. I skipped class. I put myself behind, and now I have to teach myself the lesson, do the homework, fill in the notes that I was not present for in deference to my binder grade, and do the review for the test that is tomorrow. Also, since I was not present to turn in my homework...well, there is that. So, feeling foolish, I emailed my professor and chattily explained the situation, related how regretful I was feeling about the incident, and asked, oh, by the way, can I still turn in my homework, or not?
What can I say? I'm a chatty person.
Her reply? "Why? Why do I have to put up with morons? If your stupid enough to leave your books at home, and stupid enough to skip class because of it, your too stupid to read the syllabus which clearly states that homework may never ever ever be turned in late. You may, however, scan it and email it too me. Seriously, stop bothering me with your useless drivel chit chat and read the syllabus."
Okay, it didn't say exactly that, I may be reading between the lines there, but that is the message that I received loud and clear.
Now I never want to go to math class again. Actually, that is not new...I always feel that way, but now it's double.
Lessons That College Has Taught Me:
A.) I am not as smart as I thought I was. (And I really didn't think I was all that smart. As it turns out, I am even less smart than that.)
B.) I should have gone to college while I was young and unencumbered by adult responsibility, and my brain cells were still moist and flexible.
C.) Math is every bit as hideous as I remember.
D.) Math teachers don't get why some of us don't get math, and don't know how to teach someone who doesn't get it.
E.) If a professors says "Don't be afraid to ask questions. There are no dumb questions." do not believe them. They are taught to say that I suppose, but they don't really believe it. Honestly, some of them all but roll their eyes when they say "Any questions?" and you raise your hand. Also, when they say, "how can I help you get this"?, "Could you show it to me 15 more times in a row?" is not acceptable.
F.) I hear my professors say all the time "If this class isn't important enough to you to show up every time, do all the work, get tutoring blaaaah blaaaaah blaaaaaah blaaaah blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah....then maybe you shouldn't be here." I distinctly feel like I shouldn't be here. Class is important to me. Learning is important. Finding something constructive and hopefully at least somewhat profitable to do is important. But guess what??? So is my family, and my role as Matriarch of this family, and all of my life responsibilities, and I am going to be here anyway, do the best the I can with what I have in all of that, but none of it is going to be perfect.
So, how has math ruined my life?
Let me tell you:
It hasn't really. My life isn't ruined. I'm not crazy about the constant anxiety. I find no delight in having to pour so much energy into a subject that I just have to pass so I can move on with my life. I have some great ideas on how I could be better taught, but there is no freaking way that I am taking enough math classes to be a math teacher.
I'm a little sad that I am having a tough time connecting with this professor, and it would make the subject so much more bearable if I did,
but my life isn't really ruined.
"TAKING DEEP BREATH"
Since I am 100% sure that I am not going into a math related field, I have made the decision to stop killing myself over math, JUST PASS, even though I feel like such a dope, NOT getting an A in High School Algebra, and I also feel like i'm letting my first math professor who loves me down, but really.....i'm going to get ulcers and not do well in English, and that is ridiculous.
I hereby exorcise the math demon and withdraw myself from it's dark grip.
If my current math professor does indeed think that i'm a moron and does not appreciate my VibrantValness, its a small matter in a long life. If my first ever professor feels disappointed or let down, (she keeps track of me)I hope we can still be friends, because I just love her, beyond her role as professor.
And now that I have taken this opportunity to procrastinate, I have an ocean of math to catch up one.
Wrong.
I'v lost complete control of my life, my time, and my mind. I was digging my books out of my bag at the start of my 9:30 AM English class, and noted that it was suspiciously and unseasonably light and empty. Hmmm, what was missing?
Oh. Right. My Intermediate Algebra materials. With a sudden, leaden sinking of my heart, I realized that I had put my homework and whatnot into my binder, but never actually put it in my book bag. My dilemma: Algebra class is directly after English. So what's a binder-less girl to do? Show up to class WITH NO MATERIALS? Go home, get my books, and come back, thereby being excessively tardy? I'll tell you what this girl did. I panicked, chose to just skip the stupid class, and went to visit my ducks in the college library. Mhmm.
After which, I realized that I should have just gone to class, accepted the professor's disapproval like a woman, and moved on. But no. That's not what I did. I skipped class. I put myself behind, and now I have to teach myself the lesson, do the homework, fill in the notes that I was not present for in deference to my binder grade, and do the review for the test that is tomorrow. Also, since I was not present to turn in my homework...well, there is that. So, feeling foolish, I emailed my professor and chattily explained the situation, related how regretful I was feeling about the incident, and asked, oh, by the way, can I still turn in my homework, or not?
What can I say? I'm a chatty person.
Her reply? "Why? Why do I have to put up with morons? If your stupid enough to leave your books at home, and stupid enough to skip class because of it, your too stupid to read the syllabus which clearly states that homework may never ever ever be turned in late. You may, however, scan it and email it too me. Seriously, stop bothering me with your useless drivel chit chat and read the syllabus."
Okay, it didn't say exactly that, I may be reading between the lines there, but that is the message that I received loud and clear.
Now I never want to go to math class again. Actually, that is not new...I always feel that way, but now it's double.
Lessons That College Has Taught Me:
A.) I am not as smart as I thought I was. (And I really didn't think I was all that smart. As it turns out, I am even less smart than that.)
B.) I should have gone to college while I was young and unencumbered by adult responsibility, and my brain cells were still moist and flexible.
C.) Math is every bit as hideous as I remember.
D.) Math teachers don't get why some of us don't get math, and don't know how to teach someone who doesn't get it.
E.) If a professors says "Don't be afraid to ask questions. There are no dumb questions." do not believe them. They are taught to say that I suppose, but they don't really believe it. Honestly, some of them all but roll their eyes when they say "Any questions?" and you raise your hand. Also, when they say, "how can I help you get this"?, "Could you show it to me 15 more times in a row?" is not acceptable.
F.) I hear my professors say all the time "If this class isn't important enough to you to show up every time, do all the work, get tutoring blaaaah blaaaaah blaaaaaah blaaaah blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah....then maybe you shouldn't be here." I distinctly feel like I shouldn't be here. Class is important to me. Learning is important. Finding something constructive and hopefully at least somewhat profitable to do is important. But guess what??? So is my family, and my role as Matriarch of this family, and all of my life responsibilities, and I am going to be here anyway, do the best the I can with what I have in all of that, but none of it is going to be perfect.
So, how has math ruined my life?
Let me tell you:
It hasn't really. My life isn't ruined. I'm not crazy about the constant anxiety. I find no delight in having to pour so much energy into a subject that I just have to pass so I can move on with my life. I have some great ideas on how I could be better taught, but there is no freaking way that I am taking enough math classes to be a math teacher.
I'm a little sad that I am having a tough time connecting with this professor, and it would make the subject so much more bearable if I did,
but my life isn't really ruined.
"TAKING DEEP BREATH"
Since I am 100% sure that I am not going into a math related field, I have made the decision to stop killing myself over math, JUST PASS, even though I feel like such a dope, NOT getting an A in High School Algebra, and I also feel like i'm letting my first math professor who loves me down, but really.....i'm going to get ulcers and not do well in English, and that is ridiculous.
I hereby exorcise the math demon and withdraw myself from it's dark grip.
If my current math professor does indeed think that i'm a moron and does not appreciate my VibrantValness, its a small matter in a long life. If my first ever professor feels disappointed or let down, (she keeps track of me)I hope we can still be friends, because I just love her, beyond her role as professor.
And now that I have taken this opportunity to procrastinate, I have an ocean of math to catch up one.
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