A Memoir: How Math Ruined My Life and Wrecked My Spirit

     I missed math class yesterday. This is my third semester of college classes, and this is the first class that I have missed. In fact, the very first semester, I went to double classes, M-Th, every flipping one. It must have been a huge unavoidable crises situation, right?

Wrong.

    I'v lost complete control of my life, my time, and my mind. I was digging my books out of my bag at the start of my 9:30 AM English class, and noted that it was  suspiciously and unseasonably light and empty. Hmmm, what was missing?

    Oh. Right. My Intermediate Algebra materials. With a sudden, leaden sinking of my heart, I realized that I had put my homework and whatnot into my binder, but never actually put it in my book bag. My dilemma:  Algebra class is directly after English. So what's a binder-less girl to do? Show up to class WITH NO MATERIALS? Go home, get my books, and come back, thereby being excessively tardy? I'll tell you what this girl did. I panicked, chose to just skip the stupid class, and went to visit my ducks in the college library. Mhmm.

   After which, I realized that I should have just gone to class, accepted the professor's disapproval like a woman, and moved on. But no. That's not what I did. I skipped class. I put myself behind, and now I have to teach myself the lesson, do the homework, fill in the notes that I was not present for in deference to my binder grade, and do the review for the test that is tomorrow. Also, since I was not present to turn in my homework...well, there is that. So, feeling foolish, I emailed my professor and chattily explained the situation, related how regretful I was feeling about the incident, and asked, oh, by the way, can I still turn in my homework, or not?

    What can I say? I'm a chatty person.

Her reply? "Why? Why do I have to put up with morons? If your stupid enough to leave your books at home, and stupid enough to skip class because of it,  your too stupid to read the syllabus which clearly states that homework may never ever ever be turned in late. You may, however, scan it and email it too me. Seriously, stop bothering me with your useless drivel chit chat and read the syllabus."

Okay, it didn't say exactly that, I may be reading between the lines there, but that is the message that I received loud and clear.

Now I never want to go to math class again. Actually, that is not new...I always feel that way, but now it's double.

Lessons That College Has Taught Me:

A.) I am not as smart as I thought I was. (And I really didn't think I was all that smart. As it turns out, I am even less smart than that.)
B.) I should have gone to college while I was young and unencumbered by adult responsibility, and my brain cells were still moist and flexible.
C.) Math is every bit as hideous as I remember.
D.) Math teachers don't get why some of us don't get math, and don't know how to teach someone who doesn't get it.
E.) If a professors says "Don't be afraid to ask questions. There are no dumb questions." do not believe them. They are taught to say that I suppose, but they don't really believe it. Honestly, some of them all but roll their eyes when they say "Any questions?" and you raise your hand. Also, when they say, "how can I help you get this"?, "Could you show it to me 15 more times in a row?" is not acceptable.
F.) I hear my professors say all the time "If this class isn't important enough to you to show up every time, do all the work, get tutoring blaaaah blaaaaah blaaaaaah blaaaah blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah....then maybe you shouldn't be here." I distinctly feel like I shouldn't be here. Class is important to me. Learning is important. Finding something constructive and hopefully at least somewhat profitable to do is important. But guess what??? So is my family, and my role as Matriarch of this family, and all of my life responsibilities, and I am going to be here anyway, do the best the I can with what I have in all of that, but none of it is going to be perfect.

So, how has math ruined my life?
Let me tell you:

It hasn't really. My life isn't ruined. I'm not crazy about the constant anxiety. I find no delight in having to pour so much energy into a subject that I just have to pass so I can move on with my life. I have some great ideas on how I could be better taught, but there is no freaking way that I am taking enough math classes to be a math teacher.

I'm a little sad that I am having a tough time connecting with this professor, and it would make the subject so much more bearable if I did,

but my life isn't really ruined.

"TAKING DEEP BREATH"

Since I am 100% sure that I am not going into a math related field, I have made the decision to stop killing myself over math, JUST PASS, even though I feel like such a dope, NOT getting an A in High School Algebra, and I also feel like i'm letting my first math professor who loves me down, but really.....i'm going to get ulcers and not do well in English, and that is ridiculous.

I hereby exorcise the math demon and withdraw myself from it's dark grip.
If my current math professor does indeed think that i'm a moron and does not appreciate my VibrantValness, its a small matter in a long life. If my first ever professor feels disappointed or let down, (she keeps track of me)I hope we can still be friends, because I just love her, beyond her role as professor.

And now that I have taken this opportunity to procrastinate, I have an ocean of math to catch up one.