Where Is My Cape??

Howdy, fellas!

I haven't made a blog post in 19 days! Why? I dunno. Just haven't been feeling it. Also, i'v been extremely busy. You know, with school and family and the new baby and all...

Little Miss Audrey Lola was born on Oct. 4 (10-4, and in this family with a trucking background, that makes us smile...10-4?) There was all that hoopla about how she wasn't growing, that she was an IUGR baby, and poor Charity endured all that worry and concern, non stress tests twice a week and an amniocentesis or however that word is spelled...and Audrey was 6 lbs 2 oz! Perfectly acceptable size! Charity was in labor for 7ish hours, and wah lah, we have a new baby! She's so sweet and beautiful and perfect! She is also a good baby and sleeps well, and has gained 13 oz in two weeks! Charity has recovered well and is already, 2 weeks in, back to pre-pregnancy size.

Truth is, i'm in a bit of a funk these days. It's ridiculous, really. It's not like I don't have plenty to be thankful for and happy about.

 For all my faith that I would like to think I have, I am paralyzed with fear. Just waiting around for the next dramatic, tragic event that we are going to have to cope with. Every morning, I wake up with an elephant of panic and anxiety sitting on my chest and a cloud of gloom swirling around my head. Now I have this beautiful new grand daughter, which should bring me all kinds of joy, and every time I look at her, I think about how much I adore her, and how now there is one more person that I love madly and have to worry about.
Every day, i open my math book, and it's like a brand new day...it's all in Russian or something and I have no idea what's going on.
I hate the literature that we are studying...we just got through with "The Lottery" and have now started on "Hills Like White Elephants", which, as far as I can tell, is an extremely short story about a girl who is knocked up, and the couple is discussing her upcoming abortion, and we are supposed to analyze this scene, and again, I am staggered by the reality that this story is about two pages long, and it has been studied and analyzed to death, and it appears to myself that I am not a very good English/Literature person, and I did not make a stellar grade on the Works Cited quiz, which is the modern Bibliography, and I find myself still faced with a rain forest of vines blocking my path to the future and the machete in hand is becoming dull.
In other words: I STILL DON'T KNOW where I fit and what i'm supposed to be doing!!!! And all I really want to do is generate an income, doing something that isn't completely dull and hideous, so my man can be home and we can be a family and maybe we can hang out sometimes and do some fun stuff together(and not be homeless) before one of us dies or lives in a nursing home.

So there. You see why I haven't been blogging?

That is why. I'm in a weird place, and really irritating myself.
As a person of faith, I realize that the scripture has plenty to say about fear, and about being at peace and content with what we have, trusting in the bigger picture....
After everything that has happened over the past 5 years, and all the evidence of The Bigger Picture...and NOW i'm having a crises??
I don't even know what to say to myself!

Did I forget to mention that I have gained a few lbs back since school started???

Maybe I just need a few naps. OR maybe I just need to plan my time more wisely so that I have more time to study and meal plan and work out, hmmm? Honestly. Meditation and yoga and clean eating and exercise and solid sleep all very much contribute to balanced mental health, and these are ALL things that I haven't worked into my schedule recently.
 Or a vacation. A vacation might be good.