Tuesday, October 22, 2013

It's time to admit, i'm just a lil ole bohemian gypsy hippie, and that's ok.

     I'm so excited! Awash in gladness and a certain kind of joyfulness! The reason is a little ridiculous, but it is what it is.

     It has to do with my living room re-do. And personal style. And human nature in general.

     I'v always always struggled with self confidence, and used an inordinate amount of time and energy trying to figure out where I fit and how to be my "authentic" self, which spills over into "style". What is MY style? What is the outward manifestation of me? I don't know if that's just me, but I sort of suspect that this is unchecked human nature. I think that there is something in us that wants to be known and validated. "We" don't want to be the same as every one else, or we don't want to be different than everyone else. This is often expressed in the clothes we wear, the cars we drive, our home environment.

    "Doing" my home is far more complicated than it really should be. I once was told that I need to just pick a style...any style...and stick with it. However, I have never really seen one that I loved enough to do my whole house, or even a whole room, in JUST that style! I don't have a favorite anything and I don't like when I am asked what my favorite "fill in the blank" is. I like lots of things. I like color and texture and a little of this and a little of that, and what it boils down to is that, in the quest to figure myself out, i'v really been trying to find one specific box to stuff myself in, and as it turns out NO BOX CAN HOLD ME!  Bwaaahahahahaha! I am everybody! I am everything!
     It's an issue that The Chief has very specific tastes that don't really match mine so much, and as it turns out, he cares. In fact, we are very much "opposites" in many ways. If you have ever seen the most current version of "yours, mine, and ours"...well, that reminds me of us in some ways.  I have been avoiding the whole "decorating" issue, as it has just been stressing me out, so then I was all on the white on white cottage-y vintage-y thing, until I discovered that he doesn't really like that, so it's back to square one.  The poor fella is gone so much and works so hard that he deserves to come home to an environment that is comforting to him. So as soon as he tells me what that is, that's the way we shall go. Because I love him and appreciate him, and my happiness and satisfaction does not depend on "stuff". In case anyone is thinking that I am "sacrificing" my own wants/needs/etc.
    In the meantime,  I was recently bored, and scrolling through Pinterest when I saw a pin of a living room that perked my little heart right up. That lead to more and more and more and MORE....and I am so ecstatically relieved that I absolutely DO have a style, and it is called Eclectic/Bohemian!

Okay, I admit it, out loud. I AM an eclectic bohemian free spirit! Admittedly, I am a MODERATE bohemian, but still....there it is!!!!!!! I


This doesn't really help my decorating dilemma, as I share this space with other people. People who are more on the conservative, traditional side.

I don't get to dig up my front yard and plant a garden there. I don't get to paint my wood floor. i don't get to let my bohemian spirit flow out into my home environment. Because that would make others not feel at home in their home.

But that's okay. At least I KNOW! And some day, I really hope to have the Joey Memorial Library (we both have an insane number of books, and his former room  is currently unoccupied, knock on wood) which will also serve as my office space, and he would totally approve of my Bohemian atmosphere, especially if I stick a dragon on top of a shelve somewhere.

But, as far as my living room re-do...we did come to an agreement on paint color, and the paint is purchased, and if i would get off of here, and do some homework, I could get started on the painting! I took before pics, which I will share when I have some afters.

Quackity Quack! :)

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Where Is My Cape??

Howdy, fellas!

I haven't made a blog post in 19 days! Why? I dunno. Just haven't been feeling it. Also, i'v been extremely busy. You know, with school and family and the new baby and all...

Little Miss Audrey Lola was born on Oct. 4 (10-4, and in this family with a trucking background, that makes us smile...10-4?) There was all that hoopla about how she wasn't growing, that she was an IUGR baby, and poor Charity endured all that worry and concern, non stress tests twice a week and an amniocentesis or however that word is spelled...and Audrey was 6 lbs 2 oz! Perfectly acceptable size! Charity was in labor for 7ish hours, and wah lah, we have a new baby! She's so sweet and beautiful and perfect! She is also a good baby and sleeps well, and has gained 13 oz in two weeks! Charity has recovered well and is already, 2 weeks in, back to pre-pregnancy size.

Truth is, i'm in a bit of a funk these days. It's ridiculous, really. It's not like I don't have plenty to be thankful for and happy about.

 For all my faith that I would like to think I have, I am paralyzed with fear. Just waiting around for the next dramatic, tragic event that we are going to have to cope with. Every morning, I wake up with an elephant of panic and anxiety sitting on my chest and a cloud of gloom swirling around my head. Now I have this beautiful new grand daughter, which should bring me all kinds of joy, and every time I look at her, I think about how much I adore her, and how now there is one more person that I love madly and have to worry about.
Every day, i open my math book, and it's like a brand new day...it's all in Russian or something and I have no idea what's going on.
I hate the literature that we are studying...we just got through with "The Lottery" and have now started on "Hills Like White Elephants", which, as far as I can tell, is an extremely short story about a girl who is knocked up, and the couple is discussing her upcoming abortion, and we are supposed to analyze this scene, and again, I am staggered by the reality that this story is about two pages long, and it has been studied and analyzed to death, and it appears to myself that I am not a very good English/Literature person, and I did not make a stellar grade on the Works Cited quiz, which is the modern Bibliography, and I find myself still faced with a rain forest of vines blocking my path to the future and the machete in hand is becoming dull.
In other words: I STILL DON'T KNOW where I fit and what i'm supposed to be doing!!!! And all I really want to do is generate an income, doing something that isn't completely dull and hideous, so my man can be home and we can be a family and maybe we can hang out sometimes and do some fun stuff together(and not be homeless) before one of us dies or lives in a nursing home.

So there. You see why I haven't been blogging?

That is why. I'm in a weird place, and really irritating myself.
As a person of faith, I realize that the scripture has plenty to say about fear, and about being at peace and content with what we have, trusting in the bigger picture....
After everything that has happened over the past 5 years, and all the evidence of The Bigger Picture...and NOW i'm having a crises??
I don't even know what to say to myself!

Did I forget to mention that I have gained a few lbs back since school started???

Maybe I just need a few naps. OR maybe I just need to plan my time more wisely so that I have more time to study and meal plan and work out, hmmm? Honestly. Meditation and yoga and clean eating and exercise and solid sleep all very much contribute to balanced mental health, and these are ALL things that I haven't worked into my schedule recently.
 Or a vacation. A vacation might be good.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

A Memoir: How Math Ruined My Life and Wrecked My Spirit

     I missed math class yesterday. This is my third semester of college classes, and this is the first class that I have missed. In fact, the very first semester, I went to double classes, M-Th, every flipping one. It must have been a huge unavoidable crises situation, right?


    I'v lost complete control of my life, my time, and my mind. I was digging my books out of my bag at the start of my 9:30 AM English class, and noted that it was  suspiciously and unseasonably light and empty. Hmmm, what was missing?

    Oh. Right. My Intermediate Algebra materials. With a sudden, leaden sinking of my heart, I realized that I had put my homework and whatnot into my binder, but never actually put it in my book bag. My dilemma:  Algebra class is directly after English. So what's a binder-less girl to do? Show up to class WITH NO MATERIALS? Go home, get my books, and come back, thereby being excessively tardy? I'll tell you what this girl did. I panicked, chose to just skip the stupid class, and went to visit my ducks in the college library. Mhmm.

   After which, I realized that I should have just gone to class, accepted the professor's disapproval like a woman, and moved on. But no. That's not what I did. I skipped class. I put myself behind, and now I have to teach myself the lesson, do the homework, fill in the notes that I was not present for in deference to my binder grade, and do the review for the test that is tomorrow. Also, since I was not present to turn in my homework...well, there is that. So, feeling foolish, I emailed my professor and chattily explained the situation, related how regretful I was feeling about the incident, and asked, oh, by the way, can I still turn in my homework, or not?

    What can I say? I'm a chatty person.

Her reply? "Why? Why do I have to put up with morons? If your stupid enough to leave your books at home, and stupid enough to skip class because of it,  your too stupid to read the syllabus which clearly states that homework may never ever ever be turned in late. You may, however, scan it and email it too me. Seriously, stop bothering me with your useless drivel chit chat and read the syllabus."

Okay, it didn't say exactly that, I may be reading between the lines there, but that is the message that I received loud and clear.

Now I never want to go to math class again. Actually, that is not new...I always feel that way, but now it's double.

Lessons That College Has Taught Me:

A.) I am not as smart as I thought I was. (And I really didn't think I was all that smart. As it turns out, I am even less smart than that.)
B.) I should have gone to college while I was young and unencumbered by adult responsibility, and my brain cells were still moist and flexible.
C.) Math is every bit as hideous as I remember.
D.) Math teachers don't get why some of us don't get math, and don't know how to teach someone who doesn't get it.
E.) If a professors says "Don't be afraid to ask questions. There are no dumb questions." do not believe them. They are taught to say that I suppose, but they don't really believe it. Honestly, some of them all but roll their eyes when they say "Any questions?" and you raise your hand. Also, when they say, "how can I help you get this"?, "Could you show it to me 15 more times in a row?" is not acceptable.
F.) I hear my professors say all the time "If this class isn't important enough to you to show up every time, do all the work, get tutoring blaaaah blaaaaah blaaaaaah blaaaah blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah....then maybe you shouldn't be here." I distinctly feel like I shouldn't be here. Class is important to me. Learning is important. Finding something constructive and hopefully at least somewhat profitable to do is important. But guess what??? So is my family, and my role as Matriarch of this family, and all of my life responsibilities, and I am going to be here anyway, do the best the I can with what I have in all of that, but none of it is going to be perfect.

So, how has math ruined my life?
Let me tell you:

It hasn't really. My life isn't ruined. I'm not crazy about the constant anxiety. I find no delight in having to pour so much energy into a subject that I just have to pass so I can move on with my life. I have some great ideas on how I could be better taught, but there is no freaking way that I am taking enough math classes to be a math teacher.

I'm a little sad that I am having a tough time connecting with this professor, and it would make the subject so much more bearable if I did,

but my life isn't really ruined.


Since I am 100% sure that I am not going into a math related field, I have made the decision to stop killing myself over math, JUST PASS, even though I feel like such a dope, NOT getting an A in High School Algebra, and I also feel like i'm letting my first math professor who loves me down, but really.....i'm going to get ulcers and not do well in English, and that is ridiculous.

I hereby exorcise the math demon and withdraw myself from it's dark grip.
If my current math professor does indeed think that i'm a moron and does not appreciate my VibrantValness, its a small matter in a long life. If my first ever professor feels disappointed or let down, (she keeps track of me)I hope we can still be friends, because I just love her, beyond her role as professor.

And now that I have taken this opportunity to procrastinate, I have an ocean of math to catch up one.