Friday, June 19, 2015

Wallow and obsess...those are my superpowers.

     Here's the thing.
When my son Joey died (at the age of 20) in June of 2012, I don't know that I followed the appropriate mourning protocol. I don't know that there is any one best way of grieving. I guess we all do the best we can to get through it. 
What I did was throw myself into life and kept very, very, very busy.
I signed up for college. I took care of the rest of my family.
It went something like this: my oldest daughter had moved to another state at the age of 21 with my grand daughter. Over the 7 years that she was there, we saw each other in person maybe 5 times. And then Joey died, and maybe 3 months later, she moved home and reconnected with her ex-husband/baby daddy, and they have remarried and had another baby.
The next month, another daughter that had lived in another state left her whole life behind just like that and moved home, and immediately reconnected with an old flame. A month later, he moved here. Now they are married and have a baby. 
My son who lives in the next state over was here more than not.
At one point...ALL of those people lived with us (at the same time!) in our little bitty house. 
And then my niece and her husband and three young children moved here. 
I was going to school and doing home work and hanging out with all these people all of the time. I was very very busy and preoccupied. 
     And then last summer, I got "sick" and ended up in the hospital with Congestive Heart Failure, but what? I kept on going! I went to school and did homework and babysat my wee little grand daughter and more often than not, had 12 or 15 people for dinner! 
    I was very busy and very preoccupied. 
    Then I may have crashed and burned a little bit. 
   I took the spring semester off from college in order to catch up with myself and focus on my health.

     Back tracking just a bit, 4 years ago I saw a picture of myself and felt a deep self loathing. I had gotten SO FAT, and decided to do something about that. And so, I embarked on a mission, and actually lost 60 lbs. At one point, I was very involved with the Sparkpeople website, and motivating others was motivating to me. At the time that Joey died, I had just broken through a plateau and was at an all time low. Over the course of the following 3 years, I was very busy and preoccupied. (Have I mentioned that already?) I stopped paying attention to my eating habits, I stopped exercising regularly, and the weight started creeping back on. 

    The past 6 months have found me wallowing instead of getting myself in line.  One daughter and her husband moved to another town about 2 hours away.
     My niece and her family moved to another state. 
     I'm not going to school or doing homework. I'm not writing, which is what i'm supposed to be doing. I'm still babysitting grand baby duck. ( Both of them while school is out.)
Pretty sure I got less busy, less preoccupied, and a big black cloud landed square on top of my head! I have felt physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted, and when the third anniversary of the traumatic day that changed our life forever (June 10-11...he was missing on the 10th and found on the 11th) rolled around, it just rolled over me like a massive boulder, and I just was not expecting that. It's been three years, for pete's sake! 
     ANYWHO! The point is, I have GAINED 10 lbs since I was in the hospital, and I haven't been in a good place emotionally,  and then I had a check up with my cardiologist. My BP with meds was 160/116! 
    That number sort of screamed at me, penetrating the fog, and now I have to pull myself together or (literally!) die trying! 

    I don't really want to be obsessed with what i'm eating or what my exercise habits are, but it's the only way i'm going to get anywhere! I have rejoined (if you need some health/fitness/weight loss motivation, check it out and look me up! Vibrantval is my user name!
    This whole long blog post is just an attempt to warn whoever might be in my life in any manner that, as wearing as it can get for the general population, i'm about to be talking a lot about all that mess. Perhaps if I were a more balanced type of person, or less ADD, it could just be a side job, but no...i'm not, and immersing myself is the only way for me to stay focused! 

    So...let's hear it for losing 50 lbs by my next check up in December, and another 20 or 25 after that!  To getting my blood pressure under control and maybe just maybe ditching the meds! And to shaking the gloomies and getting on with the rest of my life!


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