Hi!
Guess what day it is?
Naw, not camel day...
It's blog day!
What should we talk about?
The world according to Val?
Again?
It's a glum, dark, rainy day here in these parts. I am so over it, and wishing for sunshine! Thank goodness for seasons. They don't last forever. Which, in the case of summer, is not really a good thing. I should have been born Polynesian. Or something.
Operation Don't Be A Wimp is limping right along. There were some successful days, and some not so much.
Do you want to hear about my calorie consumption and the details of my work outs?
I didn't think so. I wouldn't want to either.
It really hasn't been that interesting, anyway.
I know that this isn't just me...I like to have something that I am passionate about, to direct my energies. So when I am working on getting (back) into shape, that's what I think about, talk about...obsess about?
Or it might be, say, algebra.
I miss algebra. I can't even believe I am saying that. It is so hard, so frustrating, so scary...but I miss the challenge! I miss having my brain stretched, new pathways etched into it, and you know what? I not only learned some Algebra, but I learned that A.) With enough effort, I CAN learn math, and B.) I can spectacularly fail, and not die from it!! And C.) get back on that equation and factor it on out.
:D
I kind of wish that I was doing algebra right now.
Or anything really...I miss school in general. It was keeping me on my toes. Giving my brain something to do. A focus. A goal.
Now i'm plopped right back into my comfort zone, and I don't really like it here!
So I have this...ah...friend. Let's call her Vivian. She's kind of a mess. Vivian is supposed to be out walking thirty minutes a day. Seems easy enough, right? Put on her sneakers, step out the door and walk briskly for 15 minutes, turn around and walk back home. Not rocket science. Not hard. Not intimidating. But Vivian is having a real problem with this, and the problem's name is Dog. You see, a hundred or so years ago, when Vivian was a teenager, she was out riding her bike, being all cute and stuff, and out of nowhere, a big ole Doberman starting chasing her, and actually bit her in the behind. So even though this happened SO LONG AGO, and she has not been attacked since, she has this completely irrational ridiculous phobia of big dogs, and will not go walking down the street (alone) for fear that there is some rabid mongrel waiting to attack.
How can we help Vivian?
Or is she just a hopeless case?
I think I would tell Vivian to stop making excuses, get in her car and drive 3 minutes to the walking trail where there are other people to at least call 911 if a random dog does decide to maul her.
Personally, I went on two walks this week! We were fortunate enough to have a couple of sunny warmish days, and I actually had some company, and it felt WONDERFUL to get out in the sunshine and get the ole blood pumping!
And now it's cold and rainy. And I don't have company.
I did do a T25 workout though!
First of all, it was a gigantic hassle, because our 10 or 12 year old pc crashed, so I can not longer play DVDs on it. I have about a zillion workout DVD's, but they are useless without a means to view them.
We do have a gaming system on which DVDs can be played. However, there are these wires that have to be hooked up to a certain place, and some have to be unplugged and others plugged and it's all so confusing, so I had to have help from my teenage daughter to accomplish that. After a little grumbling and some eye rolling (one would think that the kids would be SO HAPPY to help out their mamma!) we got that done.
If you are not aware, T25 is one of the family of extreme workouts from Beachbody. Shawn T of Insanity fame is the brawn behind this workout.
I am not sure if my cardiologist would approve, but I didn't die. I don't believe that this is a long term solution for me, as it is very high impact, and my knees aren't having it. Short term, there are low impact options, if you don't mind being the pansy in the group. It was enough to get me all sweaty and my heart pumping!
I also own the Brazil Butt Lift DVD collection from Team Beachbody, and it is far more low impact than T25.
I just don't know how wonderful it would be to have a fabulous bum, while the rest of me is still all fat and squishy.
J/K, it really is a whole body program, including cardio, with emphasis on bum sculpting muscle work.
Back to my friend, Vivian...she also has a bunch of work out DVDs. The trouble she has is just picking one! She has this weird perfectionism thing going on, and can't just pick one, because what if it is not the perfect workout for her? What if the mix of cardio and strength building is not balanced enough?
Also, as part of this perfectionism, if she is not going to feel like a kick butt amazonian warrior woman with great abs, why bother? So she tends to choose the more extreme versions, burns herself out quickly, and gives up.
This woman really needs more help than we can give her, I think.
Since Vivian has a heart issue (like mine) I am advising her to just PICK ONE, heavy on the cardio, since her heart is the muscle most in need of strengthening at this time. When the heart is healthier the rest will follow, that's what i'm going to tell her.
Or, just drive 3 minutes to the walking trail (when it is not raining buckets) and WALK BRISKLY!
After all, 5k season is coming up SOON, and the color run is calling my...er, I mean her...name.
I mentioned in a previous post about how we haven't had TV until recently, and "we" (meaning the chief) decided we needed it so "we" (meaning the guys) could watch football. Until VERY VERY recently, I didn't even turn it on if the guys weren't around to watch football. But then I got deeply entrenched in a funk and wasted a lot of time watching Bones re-runs and Hallmark movies. My intention was to STOP DOING THAT, but instead I branched out, fascinated and horrified by the other viewing choices available. I am pretty amazed by the number of "reality" shows. Although I don't know how real they actually are. Probably not very. Who would actually go on TV like that?? There has got to be some very decent financial compensation going on there.
It hasn't all just been a waste, though.
For example, i've watched a few episodes of My 600 LB Life. What I have learned from that is that I don't ever ever ever want to be 600 pounds, and if I don't get on it, it could happen! And watching some of those people make the excuses they make for being 600 pounds gave me an awareness of maybe some of my own excuses, and ew, how lame. STOP THAT, self!
Then there is the one called something like "Big women, big love", and what I learned from THAT is that, well...nothing, except the trouble these women have with their love lives and other parts of their existence has very little to do with being big.
Except, I suppose that having self esteem issues and lack of confidence might cause one to behave in certain ways and maybe not make the best choices. In fact, it could cause one to behave as if they were desperate, which is kind of sad to watch, once I get passed the initial "train wreck" reaction.
Watching Hoarders makes me super glad that I don't have that particular issue, and also makes me feel much better about my own house, and also makes me want to get rid of more stuff.
Random observation: there are a number of shows about obese people. It seems to be a point of fascination. Also, about "little people", which I don't really get.
My theory is that these kinds of shows are so prolific because it makes us feel better about ourselves to watch them.
I feel sort of ashamed for sinking so low, and what would really make me, personally, feel better about myself is to knock it off and live my own life, and make more of an effort to help empower my poor hot mess of a friend, Vivian, and maybe be a better example to her.
Also, I am feeling like I really need to catch up with Dwayne and Dixie and "Bad Dawg" Jack, those crazy rednecks in Outer Space.
And that is all for this addition of "The World According To Me".
Quackity Quack and all that...
Saturday, January 31, 2015
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Operation Don't Be a Wimp
This blog is more of a mind dump, brain vomit sort of place than anything else. I should rename it.
I can't post pictures of my projects or recipes or decorating ideas because I am technologically inept, and also I don't really have any pictures of those things. Because, ya know...I don't really do them.
I would have made a horrible pioneer. However simple and straight forward and appealing that era may seem, I can't imagine spending my life doing laundry in tubs by hand or cooking on a camp fire, or carrying water from the creek for washing dishes. I seriously love my dishwasher. It was super tragic when it recently stopped doing it's job. The water would not drain, suggesting a clog. I mentioned this problem to the men in my life, but at that time none of them were around long enough to deal with it. So one evening, I thought I would just do it myself. I baled the nasty water out of it. I un-hooked-up the drain hose and ran a straightened clothes hanger down it...no clog there. So, I did what I knew to do...poured a whole bottle of drain-o in it! I would like to say that that is the end of the dishwasher story, but that would be a lie.
It still didn't drain. So I ran a rinse cycle to see what would happen.
What happened was a whole lot of draino scented bubbles oozing out the bottom.
Oops.
So there it sat, full of draino, for about three more days, and then my nephew and the Chief were home at the same time. They shop vacced the draino water out, pulled the dishwasher out of it's place, and found the clog.
And I am thrilled to have an operational dishwasher again!
I think that I would be far better off it I didn't have Facebook. Social media has it's place, and I haven't deleted it yet because there are some people I just want to stay in touch with. Some of the things that show up on my newsfeed, though, I could pretty much do without. I try not to read or involve myself in much of it, but sometimes I get sucked in. What I find myself reading is the comments of others on some of this stuff, and I have to stop doing that.
That people feel so free to be rude and hateful on such a wide variety of subjects is just disturbing! Often times, these comments turn into arguments, which then turn into name calling and insults, among people who do not even know each other, and it's like being in the room with a bunch of little kids. "You're stupid". "You don't even know how to spell." "Oh, ya? Well, your fat."
Looking back on history, it is not so outrageous to think about the gladiator era or christians being thrown in with lions. As long as you're not the one being thrown into the arena, it's all fun and games. If you are the one in the arena, oh, too bad for you! You should have went to work for Mcdonalds.
Here is a random paragraph about sex. If you don't want to hear me talk about it, you might want to skip it.
A.) I have 5 children. I have been married for a long time. I am not a prude or a cold fish. I have no objections to that particular activity.
B.) There are SO MANY parts of life and many aspects of a relationship, and sex really is just one small piece of a whole ginormous picture.
C.) Sex is not rocket science. We all pretty much come hardwired for it. An instruction manual is not really necessary.
D.) The "cowboys" in those pics? The ones with huge biceps, six packs, and hairless chests? Um...they aren't really cowboys. They are models who spend a great deal of time and energy on their appearances so they can dress like a cowboy and have their picture taken. Also, they shave (or wax) their chests so that they can look like they haven't gone through puberty yet. (And we say men are pervs!)
E.) Reality isn't always wonderful, but BALANCE between reality and make believe is not a bad thing. Sometimes (ALOT of time) our expectations could stand to be tempered for overall contentment and happiness.
F.) Not just in this matter, but the whole of life...
G.) This from a person who lives with her nose in a book...
H.) But not that kind of book...
I.) If I did not have Facebook, seeing ads for the 50 shades movie and authors asking questions about their readers' opinions on the "experience" level of book heroes, we wouldn't be having this discussion.
J.) End of this subject.
New subject: If you read my last post, you know that I was kind of gloomy feeling. My Eeyore phase, and of all of my moods, the one I like the least. It may not have been a fun post, but it was cathartic, and the only thing I would have done differently would have been to write it in a letter and send it to one of my BFF's who would know it was just a passing phase and be done. BUT I didn't do that, I put it out there in public, and as much as I wish I would not have, what's done is done. After that post, I launched Operation Don't Be A Wimp.
A.) I deleted my Pou app.
That's about it.
But HEY! It's a start, right?
I know that when I get in a funk, eating well and exercising are so useful for getting out of it.
Also, part of my funk is irritation with myself that I worked so hard to lose all that weight and then I gained most of it back. And now i'm a rolly polly again, and i'm living in leggings and maternity....um, I mean, uh, tunic shirts. If I was only tall and statuesque...but no, i'm a hobbit, and most of my weight goes to my gut, so i'm pretty sure i'm just about as round as I am tall. And, well, I already have a heart issue, and losing weight, especially belly fat, is one of several things that I need to do to improve my heart health.
Honestly, it just gets so complicated. What IS healthy eating? There are so many opinions, and plans, and this group swears by this and that group swears by that, and eating (a necessary function for keeping body and soul together) has practically become a moral issue. Whaaat? You eat peanut butter? You are going to burn.
There is Paleo, Atkins, vegetarian, fat, no fat, carbs, no carbs, eat fat AND carbs, but not together...
I foolishly read a weekly magazine, and every week, a "diet" is published. Each week is a different one, and all of them claim to work wonders, and naturally they often conflict! One week is "Improved Atkins....loose a bazillion pounds in 2 weeks and feel fabulous" and the next is "Down with Atkins, be a vegetarian and loose a bazillion pounds the first week and feel super fabulous".
I am so anxious about choosing the one way of nourishment that is going to fuel a healthy body that I give up and eat cupcakes.
Also, cupcakes are delicious, so I don't need much of an excuse.
Which probably means I DESERVE to die young and burn...
When I lost weight the first time around, I did good old fashioned calorie counting. It worked for the first 30 lbs, and then I was stuck for about a year. So, then I went lo-carb and lost a bunch more. Lo carb worked really well and I felt really good, and I wasn't hungry and mean feeling all the time.
But.
I am now on a super duper tighter-than-something-that's-really-tight budget.
We are talking, beans and tortillas tight.
Carba-licious.
Which basically means, my choice is reduced to calorie counting.
Which means being hungry and mean feeling.
So basically, i'm going to die sooner than later if I choose the "wrong" diet, or
i'm going to die sooner than later from obesity, lack of movement, and heart disease...
so why not die sooner than later with chocolate frosting and a smile on my lips??
Just joking...sort of...
*End of brain dump*
I can't post pictures of my projects or recipes or decorating ideas because I am technologically inept, and also I don't really have any pictures of those things. Because, ya know...I don't really do them.
I would have made a horrible pioneer. However simple and straight forward and appealing that era may seem, I can't imagine spending my life doing laundry in tubs by hand or cooking on a camp fire, or carrying water from the creek for washing dishes. I seriously love my dishwasher. It was super tragic when it recently stopped doing it's job. The water would not drain, suggesting a clog. I mentioned this problem to the men in my life, but at that time none of them were around long enough to deal with it. So one evening, I thought I would just do it myself. I baled the nasty water out of it. I un-hooked-up the drain hose and ran a straightened clothes hanger down it...no clog there. So, I did what I knew to do...poured a whole bottle of drain-o in it! I would like to say that that is the end of the dishwasher story, but that would be a lie.
It still didn't drain. So I ran a rinse cycle to see what would happen.
What happened was a whole lot of draino scented bubbles oozing out the bottom.
Oops.
So there it sat, full of draino, for about three more days, and then my nephew and the Chief were home at the same time. They shop vacced the draino water out, pulled the dishwasher out of it's place, and found the clog.
And I am thrilled to have an operational dishwasher again!
I think that I would be far better off it I didn't have Facebook. Social media has it's place, and I haven't deleted it yet because there are some people I just want to stay in touch with. Some of the things that show up on my newsfeed, though, I could pretty much do without. I try not to read or involve myself in much of it, but sometimes I get sucked in. What I find myself reading is the comments of others on some of this stuff, and I have to stop doing that.
That people feel so free to be rude and hateful on such a wide variety of subjects is just disturbing! Often times, these comments turn into arguments, which then turn into name calling and insults, among people who do not even know each other, and it's like being in the room with a bunch of little kids. "You're stupid". "You don't even know how to spell." "Oh, ya? Well, your fat."
Looking back on history, it is not so outrageous to think about the gladiator era or christians being thrown in with lions. As long as you're not the one being thrown into the arena, it's all fun and games. If you are the one in the arena, oh, too bad for you! You should have went to work for Mcdonalds.
Here is a random paragraph about sex. If you don't want to hear me talk about it, you might want to skip it.
A.) I have 5 children. I have been married for a long time. I am not a prude or a cold fish. I have no objections to that particular activity.
B.) There are SO MANY parts of life and many aspects of a relationship, and sex really is just one small piece of a whole ginormous picture.
C.) Sex is not rocket science. We all pretty much come hardwired for it. An instruction manual is not really necessary.
D.) The "cowboys" in those pics? The ones with huge biceps, six packs, and hairless chests? Um...they aren't really cowboys. They are models who spend a great deal of time and energy on their appearances so they can dress like a cowboy and have their picture taken. Also, they shave (or wax) their chests so that they can look like they haven't gone through puberty yet. (And we say men are pervs!)
E.) Reality isn't always wonderful, but BALANCE between reality and make believe is not a bad thing. Sometimes (ALOT of time) our expectations could stand to be tempered for overall contentment and happiness.
F.) Not just in this matter, but the whole of life...
G.) This from a person who lives with her nose in a book...
H.) But not that kind of book...
I.) If I did not have Facebook, seeing ads for the 50 shades movie and authors asking questions about their readers' opinions on the "experience" level of book heroes, we wouldn't be having this discussion.
J.) End of this subject.
New subject: If you read my last post, you know that I was kind of gloomy feeling. My Eeyore phase, and of all of my moods, the one I like the least. It may not have been a fun post, but it was cathartic, and the only thing I would have done differently would have been to write it in a letter and send it to one of my BFF's who would know it was just a passing phase and be done. BUT I didn't do that, I put it out there in public, and as much as I wish I would not have, what's done is done. After that post, I launched Operation Don't Be A Wimp.
A.) I deleted my Pou app.
That's about it.
But HEY! It's a start, right?
I know that when I get in a funk, eating well and exercising are so useful for getting out of it.
Also, part of my funk is irritation with myself that I worked so hard to lose all that weight and then I gained most of it back. And now i'm a rolly polly again, and i'm living in leggings and maternity....um, I mean, uh, tunic shirts. If I was only tall and statuesque...but no, i'm a hobbit, and most of my weight goes to my gut, so i'm pretty sure i'm just about as round as I am tall. And, well, I already have a heart issue, and losing weight, especially belly fat, is one of several things that I need to do to improve my heart health.
Honestly, it just gets so complicated. What IS healthy eating? There are so many opinions, and plans, and this group swears by this and that group swears by that, and eating (a necessary function for keeping body and soul together) has practically become a moral issue. Whaaat? You eat peanut butter? You are going to burn.
There is Paleo, Atkins, vegetarian, fat, no fat, carbs, no carbs, eat fat AND carbs, but not together...
I foolishly read a weekly magazine, and every week, a "diet" is published. Each week is a different one, and all of them claim to work wonders, and naturally they often conflict! One week is "Improved Atkins....loose a bazillion pounds in 2 weeks and feel fabulous" and the next is "Down with Atkins, be a vegetarian and loose a bazillion pounds the first week and feel super fabulous".
I am so anxious about choosing the one way of nourishment that is going to fuel a healthy body that I give up and eat cupcakes.
Also, cupcakes are delicious, so I don't need much of an excuse.
Which probably means I DESERVE to die young and burn...
When I lost weight the first time around, I did good old fashioned calorie counting. It worked for the first 30 lbs, and then I was stuck for about a year. So, then I went lo-carb and lost a bunch more. Lo carb worked really well and I felt really good, and I wasn't hungry and mean feeling all the time.
But.
I am now on a super duper tighter-than-something-that's-really-tight budget.
We are talking, beans and tortillas tight.
Carba-licious.
Which basically means, my choice is reduced to calorie counting.
Which means being hungry and mean feeling.
So basically, i'm going to die sooner than later if I choose the "wrong" diet, or
i'm going to die sooner than later from obesity, lack of movement, and heart disease...
so why not die sooner than later with chocolate frosting and a smile on my lips??
Just joking...sort of...
*End of brain dump*
Saturday, January 17, 2015
Ramblin' Woman
Today's post is going to be a ramble, just so you know up front.
I'm having a lot of anxiety, and when I have a lot of anxiety my brain fires up and thinks forty billion thoughts at once, and sorting them out is impossible, so here we go!
Hi, my name is Mama Duck, and it has been two weeks since I wrote a post.
You may (or may not!) wonder what i'v been up to for the past two weeks. The answer to that is, not very much.
The funk that I have been grappling with is winning.
I took the semester off of college to get my life in order. From 7:30 am to 4:00 pm, it's all about keeping grand daughter Audrey fed, changed, entertained and alive. That becomes more of a challenge as she has recently decided that she's a goat and is climbing everything! The other day, a turned my back for a very short time (attempting to stay ahead of the whirlwind damage!) and I found her sitting in the middle of the kitchen table, where she had knocked over a partial cup of coffee and was checking her blood pressure with the monitor that I keep there.
There is a park about a half a block away that we will be frequenting once the weather is conducive to such.
After Audrey's mama picks her up, I do some housework, and then there is dinner, and the plan is to get my exercise in and spend the evening writing.
That has not been happening.
Because I am in a funk, I have spent a lot of time wasting time.
I personally am not a big TV or movie watcher. I would way rather read for entertainment/escapism. But we do have cable, which is recent...prior to that we did not have TV, except as a computer monitor. We have a pretty large screen TV for that purpose because The Chief wanted to be able to see to play Bejeweled. But he is never home to play it. And now the computer crashed. And recently we got cable so that the boys could watch football. (!!!!) So. Just lately I have wasted a lot of time watching Bones reruns, cheesy Hallmark movies, and playing Pou games on my phone. I have gotten really good at Food Drop and feel compelled to beat my own score. Because I am on edge, I can't concentrate to read. Or write. Which I am supposed to be doing.
The professor of my writing class very strongly urged me to write a whole book based on one of my short stories. And even though he resigned and moved away this semester, he offered to read and comment on what I write and hook me up with places to submit my work. But I don't have time to write, because, well, there is Bones and Food Drop...mindless activities.
So why am I in a funk???
First of all, it's winter. After the past few years, I decided that I wasn't going to have a favorite season or a least favorite season, because after all...stuff happens in all seasons, they are all necessary, and life is too short to be grumpy about a season. But the cold and the gloom and the snow and ice...well, I just have a little bit of seasonal depression, and that's just how it is.
And the family drama that I can't talk about just keeps going on and on and on and oooonnnn without end and it's exhausting.
If you have Facebook, you've likely seen the thing that says something like "if you find yourself being pulled into other people's drama, just remember...not my circus, not my monkeys."
BUT THESE ARE MY MONKEYS!!!!! And apparently I was an ineffective mama duck because I trained these monkeys! And these are the kinds of situations that are occurring!!
Whew. Glad to get that off of my chest.
And then there is this...which I don't much talk about because somehow, The Chief's job is controversial in some circles. To us, it's how he makes a living, using the skills he has to provide for his family and help as many others as possible the best way he knows how.
He has an oilfield job. And unless you live under a rock, you likely know what's going on in the oilfield. Thousands and thousands of layoffs. Rig upon rig stacking.
Disaster for some of us.
I've been keeping up with some conversations regarding this occurrence, and it ASTOUNDS me that people are soooooooooo combative and contentious towards one another.
"We" are not responsible for gas or oil prices. Personally, I feel like there ought to be some balance. The price gouging in boom towns seems to be less "free enterprise" and more flat out greed, and I don't think it ought to be that way. I think there should be a balance between affordable fuel and people keeping their jobs. Our family is not becoming wealthy. WE are not owners of oil companies. The Chief EARNS a comfortable living by working hard! There is a lot of sacrifice involved for our family. He is away most of the time, working long hard hours and living in a man camp. That leaves me here almost as a single parent...everything else is my responsibility! At this exact point in time, our youngest has just turned 18, so we don't have little children now, but we did, and he and they have missed out on a lot of "family" stuff.
Eh, well, I just spent an hour explaining things, and then erased it all, because it doesn't matter.
The fact is, we are in a pickle. 2009 was our first bust as an oilfield family, and we lost everything and would have been homeless except family took us in. It was shocking, stressful, and humiliating, but we lived. And now, even though we have made an effort to live modestly and not extravagantly, it's happening again, and this is why i'm stressed out. I ask myself...well, ya lived through it last time, why are you so stressed out? And the answer is: naturally, nobody would want to repeat such an uncomfortable experience, and also, even though I thought I was way passed caring what other people think about me, apparently i'm not, and the humiliation of it all is getting me down. That's why I was trying to explain. But then I decided not too. Because it doesn't matter.
Except, this is why i'm in a funk.
And why i've been escaping into mindless time wasting.
I don't even know what to do right now.
I feel sort of dazed and confused, and maybe done. Except being done isn't actually an option.But definitely discouraged and anxious.
The Chief currently still has a job, and has been working pretty regularly, but there was a company wide pay cut to attempt to avoid layoffs. That has now ground to a halt and work is scarce. So yay, he is employed, but is looking at days and days of no work. Ya don't get paid if you don't work.
Guess i'll attempt to get a job, but that did not work out so well for me the last time I tried because I have no employment history for the past 20 years. And now EVERYONE will be looking for a job.
And I have news for Dave Ramsey...our "emergencies" ALWAYS exceed the initial 1000.00 emergency fund. And there have been a few just in 2014.
The good news is that our kids are all of age, and only one at home (of age but still in high school) so if we end up in a tent, well, she's a big kid.
The bad news is, my daughter's family and my niece's family are also oilfield families, facing the same crises, so we may just have to create a family tent city.
ANYway...now that i've put all that out there...
I actually feel a little better. Except I just burdened you with my issues. Which I have been avoiding.
But now I have to move on from Bones.
And remember that I am a spiritual being having a human experience.
And that no matter what, I probably won't die. Unless I can't keep up with my medical bills and have another heart episode and am refused treatment, which I thought could not happen but apparently I was mistaken cuz this just happened to someone I know.
That's all.
Quack!
I'm having a lot of anxiety, and when I have a lot of anxiety my brain fires up and thinks forty billion thoughts at once, and sorting them out is impossible, so here we go!
Hi, my name is Mama Duck, and it has been two weeks since I wrote a post.
You may (or may not!) wonder what i'v been up to for the past two weeks. The answer to that is, not very much.
The funk that I have been grappling with is winning.
I took the semester off of college to get my life in order. From 7:30 am to 4:00 pm, it's all about keeping grand daughter Audrey fed, changed, entertained and alive. That becomes more of a challenge as she has recently decided that she's a goat and is climbing everything! The other day, a turned my back for a very short time (attempting to stay ahead of the whirlwind damage!) and I found her sitting in the middle of the kitchen table, where she had knocked over a partial cup of coffee and was checking her blood pressure with the monitor that I keep there.
There is a park about a half a block away that we will be frequenting once the weather is conducive to such.
After Audrey's mama picks her up, I do some housework, and then there is dinner, and the plan is to get my exercise in and spend the evening writing.
That has not been happening.
Because I am in a funk, I have spent a lot of time wasting time.
I personally am not a big TV or movie watcher. I would way rather read for entertainment/escapism. But we do have cable, which is recent...prior to that we did not have TV, except as a computer monitor. We have a pretty large screen TV for that purpose because The Chief wanted to be able to see to play Bejeweled. But he is never home to play it. And now the computer crashed. And recently we got cable so that the boys could watch football. (!!!!) So. Just lately I have wasted a lot of time watching Bones reruns, cheesy Hallmark movies, and playing Pou games on my phone. I have gotten really good at Food Drop and feel compelled to beat my own score. Because I am on edge, I can't concentrate to read. Or write. Which I am supposed to be doing.
The professor of my writing class very strongly urged me to write a whole book based on one of my short stories. And even though he resigned and moved away this semester, he offered to read and comment on what I write and hook me up with places to submit my work. But I don't have time to write, because, well, there is Bones and Food Drop...mindless activities.
So why am I in a funk???
First of all, it's winter. After the past few years, I decided that I wasn't going to have a favorite season or a least favorite season, because after all...stuff happens in all seasons, they are all necessary, and life is too short to be grumpy about a season. But the cold and the gloom and the snow and ice...well, I just have a little bit of seasonal depression, and that's just how it is.
And the family drama that I can't talk about just keeps going on and on and on and oooonnnn without end and it's exhausting.
If you have Facebook, you've likely seen the thing that says something like "if you find yourself being pulled into other people's drama, just remember...not my circus, not my monkeys."
BUT THESE ARE MY MONKEYS!!!!! And apparently I was an ineffective mama duck because I trained these monkeys! And these are the kinds of situations that are occurring!!
Whew. Glad to get that off of my chest.
And then there is this...which I don't much talk about because somehow, The Chief's job is controversial in some circles. To us, it's how he makes a living, using the skills he has to provide for his family and help as many others as possible the best way he knows how.
He has an oilfield job. And unless you live under a rock, you likely know what's going on in the oilfield. Thousands and thousands of layoffs. Rig upon rig stacking.
Disaster for some of us.
I've been keeping up with some conversations regarding this occurrence, and it ASTOUNDS me that people are soooooooooo combative and contentious towards one another.
"We" are not responsible for gas or oil prices. Personally, I feel like there ought to be some balance. The price gouging in boom towns seems to be less "free enterprise" and more flat out greed, and I don't think it ought to be that way. I think there should be a balance between affordable fuel and people keeping their jobs. Our family is not becoming wealthy. WE are not owners of oil companies. The Chief EARNS a comfortable living by working hard! There is a lot of sacrifice involved for our family. He is away most of the time, working long hard hours and living in a man camp. That leaves me here almost as a single parent...everything else is my responsibility! At this exact point in time, our youngest has just turned 18, so we don't have little children now, but we did, and he and they have missed out on a lot of "family" stuff.
Eh, well, I just spent an hour explaining things, and then erased it all, because it doesn't matter.
The fact is, we are in a pickle. 2009 was our first bust as an oilfield family, and we lost everything and would have been homeless except family took us in. It was shocking, stressful, and humiliating, but we lived. And now, even though we have made an effort to live modestly and not extravagantly, it's happening again, and this is why i'm stressed out. I ask myself...well, ya lived through it last time, why are you so stressed out? And the answer is: naturally, nobody would want to repeat such an uncomfortable experience, and also, even though I thought I was way passed caring what other people think about me, apparently i'm not, and the humiliation of it all is getting me down. That's why I was trying to explain. But then I decided not too. Because it doesn't matter.
Except, this is why i'm in a funk.
And why i've been escaping into mindless time wasting.
I don't even know what to do right now.
I feel sort of dazed and confused, and maybe done. Except being done isn't actually an option.But definitely discouraged and anxious.
The Chief currently still has a job, and has been working pretty regularly, but there was a company wide pay cut to attempt to avoid layoffs. That has now ground to a halt and work is scarce. So yay, he is employed, but is looking at days and days of no work. Ya don't get paid if you don't work.
Guess i'll attempt to get a job, but that did not work out so well for me the last time I tried because I have no employment history for the past 20 years. And now EVERYONE will be looking for a job.
And I have news for Dave Ramsey...our "emergencies" ALWAYS exceed the initial 1000.00 emergency fund. And there have been a few just in 2014.
The good news is that our kids are all of age, and only one at home (of age but still in high school) so if we end up in a tent, well, she's a big kid.
The bad news is, my daughter's family and my niece's family are also oilfield families, facing the same crises, so we may just have to create a family tent city.
ANYway...now that i've put all that out there...
I actually feel a little better. Except I just burdened you with my issues. Which I have been avoiding.
But now I have to move on from Bones.
And remember that I am a spiritual being having a human experience.
And that no matter what, I probably won't die. Unless I can't keep up with my medical bills and have another heart episode and am refused treatment, which I thought could not happen but apparently I was mistaken cuz this just happened to someone I know.
That's all.
Quack!
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Late Happy New Year!
Here is my New Year post.
A few days on the late side, but it's all part of my strategy.
Not really, I don't really have a strategy, but I need one.
I am not making any resolutions, as this has never worked out well! New year, smew year...every minute is a fresh opportunity.
The last time I wrote a blog post, a dear friend requested that I think about writing a post at least once a week.
Um. I like that suggestion, but won't promise. I will, however, make an effort.
I have some blog related issues, like the lack of pictures. I know that pictures make a post more visually interesting, but I have yet to learn how to get pictures from my phone to my blog posts.
I am technologically impaired. I was going to take a class for that this semester, but now I am taking this semester off and am not sure that I will ever make it back.
Another issue is MOOD. Confession time: I'm not really Miss Strong-pants. I just don't whine in public! Sometimes, I just don't feel like I can talk without whining, so I just stay to myself. More so in the cold winter months, as I have a bit of seasonal depression going on. Does anyone really want to hear about all that? Nope. No one likes a whiner! Particularly since I, personally, have soooo much to be thankful for! A modest but comfortable home, with heat and water...I haven't gone hungry in a very long time...decent reliable transportation...a fabulous husband and solid marital relationship...technology at my fingertips...good friends and family and loved ones abound...there are so many with such bigger issues than my piddly stuff. I am very aware of all of this, and so sometimes I just don't talk when i'm feeling weary, overburdened, overwhelmed, anxious, or whatever.
So moving right along...
My oldest daughter works in the college library, and so had three weeks off. Therefore, I had three weeks off from babysitting. Now, I love that grand daughter with all of my heart and soul, but I have mentioned before that she is a firecracker! She is the energizer bunny on speed, and may or may not ever take a nap. That, in turn, keeps grammy on her toes, and PS grammy is getting older and isn't really in the best of physical health. It takes all of my resources to keep up with her all day, and then when her momma picks her up, if I have any energy left, I do my stuff. SO I was kind of looking forward to some sleeping in and some writing and some catching up with stuff...like, I still need to finish painting the living room ceiling that I started in December 2013 and still needs ONE MORE COAT...the tape is still up...
None of that happened. I can't even tell you what all has come up to prevent this vacation, but I have not had ONE uninterrupted quiet day to myself to re-charge, much less catch up with any stuff or give time or energy to working on my health.
My mother in law passed away the week before Christmas. We had gone the previous weekend to a family get together, knowing our time was short, and tragically she was already not really with us. The vigil began, and she passed away on Tuesday night, then funeral planning, and services on Friday. We got home late Saturday night, and Sunday night, my second daughter's water broke, so there was no sleeping then! My little baby grandson was born late Monday afternoon. This, of course was holiday week, and I was also preparing for then hostessing the big holiday get together/youngest's 18th birthday, which is on Dec. 25. On Saturday, I went to see New Grandson, planning on staying until New years day (Thursday.) (They live 2 hours away.) Long story short, Monday my oldest daughter and grand girls came to see the new baby and ended up getting snowed in! So there was a bunch of us in a cute but small house, and the water froze...and that was a whole new adventure. The Chief was going to come on Wed or Thursday to meet the new little fellow, and then I was going to go home with him (The Chief). But HE was snowed in at the man camp (and in fact only today made it out of there to go do a job.) SO! My oldest daughter decided to make a break for it on Wed, even though our husbands strongly discouraged us...as it turns out the weather and roads were much worse where they are/were than where we were. The roads were mostly clear and dry, and we made it home safe and sound, just in time for more weather, and it's been nothing but snow and ice since. New Year's Eve/day were uneventful, as I did not plan on being home, and my daughter went back to work on Friday, so i'm back in Chasing Audrey Trying To Keep Her Alive And Occupied mode. Today is Saturday and I babysat my niece's three young one for awhile while she went to the doc. And i'm happy to see some sun shining!! I REALLY need to go to the grocery store, but have been procrastinating because I don't want to drive on the icy snowy roads.
I want to tell the story of my new car, because it's pretty hilarious in a sad sort of way...but it seems like such an awkward story, I don't really know how to do that.
SO i'm just going to tell it because this is the true story. I had a 2012 Dodge Challenger. I really really loved that car. I got it the month before Joey died. In fact, I had not even made the first payment on it. At the time, there was only one minor child left at home and Joey, and all the other ducks were off living their own adult lives. I had one grandchild that I only saw once a year or so. I was busy adjusting to empty nest, and anyway I got this car. I was a little too excited about it, seeing as how it was just a material possession. When Joey died, I felt sure that it happened as recompense for being so happy with the car. (I know, I know, i'm just reporting the truth.) So then I hated my car for awhile, because owning it and liking it so much had caused Joey's death, but then I got over that, and I have really enjoyed it. Of course, everything changed after that, and now I have three grandchildren, two of whom I see most days, and often drive them around. The Chief has been suggesting for awhile that maybe it was time to think about getting a grammy car instead of a 2 door sports car. I saw the wisdom of that, but was really attached to my car! So we procrastinated that for awhile, but now we are facing a financial crises and it became absolutely necessary to downgrade and lower our payments. So, while I was out of town, the chief traded both of our vehicles for Nissans, which weirdly worked as far as lowering our payments and insurance substantially. I knew that was the plan, but did not know how it was going to go or what I was going to end up with until The Chief texted me a picture and said "here is your new car". Turns out, it's a Nissan Altima. Which is hilarious, as my oldest daughter and I both drove Challengers for awhile, and now we are both driving Altimas! HAhahahahahaha! Well, I haven't actually drove mine yet. As I said, this all took place while I was out of town, and when I got back home it was all icy and snowy, and so anyway, there it sits.
In case your wondering, I am not all devastated. I did really really enjoy my Challenger, and I was sad at first, but I don't feel at all sad or depressed about it now. We had a good run, and we moved on, and as it turns out, my happiness and joy in life does not depend on a car! At least I have one, and it sure is better than the beater I used to drive! In fact, I hate to admit this, but I kind of like it I think, and would actually like to take it for a spin!
Speaking of Joey, I have been dreaming about him a lot lately! I have a very odd dream fairy, and most of the time, my dreams are interesting and amusing and I actually look forward to them. Sometimes, though, I just don't know where this stuff comes from! I find it interesting that I have only dreamed about Joey very infrequently. Lately, though, I have had a few in a row, and they are so weird! What IS going on in my subconscious?? I had a couple of dreams where I knew Joey had died, but had not buried him, and was just toting him around with me everywhere. To the store, to church...and then people start telling me, you better start thinking about burying him because he is starting to smell bad. Last night's dream was just a random wierdo dream with a bunch of my bother in laws in it, and, having nothing to do with nothing, here comes Joey, walking with his arms out like a zombie! And i'm all like, hey, there is Joey! And someone else was like, ya, but he smells pretty bad .
What?? Really?? Sheesh.
SO. I guess that's it. It has taken a very long time to write this post, because I keep erasing and starting over.
Quack!
A few days on the late side, but it's all part of my strategy.
Not really, I don't really have a strategy, but I need one.
I am not making any resolutions, as this has never worked out well! New year, smew year...every minute is a fresh opportunity.
The last time I wrote a blog post, a dear friend requested that I think about writing a post at least once a week.
Um. I like that suggestion, but won't promise. I will, however, make an effort.
I have some blog related issues, like the lack of pictures. I know that pictures make a post more visually interesting, but I have yet to learn how to get pictures from my phone to my blog posts.
I am technologically impaired. I was going to take a class for that this semester, but now I am taking this semester off and am not sure that I will ever make it back.
Another issue is MOOD. Confession time: I'm not really Miss Strong-pants. I just don't whine in public! Sometimes, I just don't feel like I can talk without whining, so I just stay to myself. More so in the cold winter months, as I have a bit of seasonal depression going on. Does anyone really want to hear about all that? Nope. No one likes a whiner! Particularly since I, personally, have soooo much to be thankful for! A modest but comfortable home, with heat and water...I haven't gone hungry in a very long time...decent reliable transportation...a fabulous husband and solid marital relationship...technology at my fingertips...good friends and family and loved ones abound...there are so many with such bigger issues than my piddly stuff. I am very aware of all of this, and so sometimes I just don't talk when i'm feeling weary, overburdened, overwhelmed, anxious, or whatever.
So moving right along...
My oldest daughter works in the college library, and so had three weeks off. Therefore, I had three weeks off from babysitting. Now, I love that grand daughter with all of my heart and soul, but I have mentioned before that she is a firecracker! She is the energizer bunny on speed, and may or may not ever take a nap. That, in turn, keeps grammy on her toes, and PS grammy is getting older and isn't really in the best of physical health. It takes all of my resources to keep up with her all day, and then when her momma picks her up, if I have any energy left, I do my stuff. SO I was kind of looking forward to some sleeping in and some writing and some catching up with stuff...like, I still need to finish painting the living room ceiling that I started in December 2013 and still needs ONE MORE COAT...the tape is still up...
None of that happened. I can't even tell you what all has come up to prevent this vacation, but I have not had ONE uninterrupted quiet day to myself to re-charge, much less catch up with any stuff or give time or energy to working on my health.
My mother in law passed away the week before Christmas. We had gone the previous weekend to a family get together, knowing our time was short, and tragically she was already not really with us. The vigil began, and she passed away on Tuesday night, then funeral planning, and services on Friday. We got home late Saturday night, and Sunday night, my second daughter's water broke, so there was no sleeping then! My little baby grandson was born late Monday afternoon. This, of course was holiday week, and I was also preparing for then hostessing the big holiday get together/youngest's 18th birthday, which is on Dec. 25. On Saturday, I went to see New Grandson, planning on staying until New years day (Thursday.) (They live 2 hours away.) Long story short, Monday my oldest daughter and grand girls came to see the new baby and ended up getting snowed in! So there was a bunch of us in a cute but small house, and the water froze...and that was a whole new adventure. The Chief was going to come on Wed or Thursday to meet the new little fellow, and then I was going to go home with him (The Chief). But HE was snowed in at the man camp (and in fact only today made it out of there to go do a job.) SO! My oldest daughter decided to make a break for it on Wed, even though our husbands strongly discouraged us...as it turns out the weather and roads were much worse where they are/were than where we were. The roads were mostly clear and dry, and we made it home safe and sound, just in time for more weather, and it's been nothing but snow and ice since. New Year's Eve/day were uneventful, as I did not plan on being home, and my daughter went back to work on Friday, so i'm back in Chasing Audrey Trying To Keep Her Alive And Occupied mode. Today is Saturday and I babysat my niece's three young one for awhile while she went to the doc. And i'm happy to see some sun shining!! I REALLY need to go to the grocery store, but have been procrastinating because I don't want to drive on the icy snowy roads.
I want to tell the story of my new car, because it's pretty hilarious in a sad sort of way...but it seems like such an awkward story, I don't really know how to do that.
SO i'm just going to tell it because this is the true story. I had a 2012 Dodge Challenger. I really really loved that car. I got it the month before Joey died. In fact, I had not even made the first payment on it. At the time, there was only one minor child left at home and Joey, and all the other ducks were off living their own adult lives. I had one grandchild that I only saw once a year or so. I was busy adjusting to empty nest, and anyway I got this car. I was a little too excited about it, seeing as how it was just a material possession. When Joey died, I felt sure that it happened as recompense for being so happy with the car. (I know, I know, i'm just reporting the truth.) So then I hated my car for awhile, because owning it and liking it so much had caused Joey's death, but then I got over that, and I have really enjoyed it. Of course, everything changed after that, and now I have three grandchildren, two of whom I see most days, and often drive them around. The Chief has been suggesting for awhile that maybe it was time to think about getting a grammy car instead of a 2 door sports car. I saw the wisdom of that, but was really attached to my car! So we procrastinated that for awhile, but now we are facing a financial crises and it became absolutely necessary to downgrade and lower our payments. So, while I was out of town, the chief traded both of our vehicles for Nissans, which weirdly worked as far as lowering our payments and insurance substantially. I knew that was the plan, but did not know how it was going to go or what I was going to end up with until The Chief texted me a picture and said "here is your new car". Turns out, it's a Nissan Altima. Which is hilarious, as my oldest daughter and I both drove Challengers for awhile, and now we are both driving Altimas! HAhahahahahaha! Well, I haven't actually drove mine yet. As I said, this all took place while I was out of town, and when I got back home it was all icy and snowy, and so anyway, there it sits.
In case your wondering, I am not all devastated. I did really really enjoy my Challenger, and I was sad at first, but I don't feel at all sad or depressed about it now. We had a good run, and we moved on, and as it turns out, my happiness and joy in life does not depend on a car! At least I have one, and it sure is better than the beater I used to drive! In fact, I hate to admit this, but I kind of like it I think, and would actually like to take it for a spin!
Speaking of Joey, I have been dreaming about him a lot lately! I have a very odd dream fairy, and most of the time, my dreams are interesting and amusing and I actually look forward to them. Sometimes, though, I just don't know where this stuff comes from! I find it interesting that I have only dreamed about Joey very infrequently. Lately, though, I have had a few in a row, and they are so weird! What IS going on in my subconscious?? I had a couple of dreams where I knew Joey had died, but had not buried him, and was just toting him around with me everywhere. To the store, to church...and then people start telling me, you better start thinking about burying him because he is starting to smell bad. Last night's dream was just a random wierdo dream with a bunch of my bother in laws in it, and, having nothing to do with nothing, here comes Joey, walking with his arms out like a zombie! And i'm all like, hey, there is Joey! And someone else was like, ya, but he smells pretty bad .
What?? Really?? Sheesh.
SO. I guess that's it. It has taken a very long time to write this post, because I keep erasing and starting over.
Quack!
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