Ramblin' Woman

Today's post is going to be a ramble, just so you know up front.
I'm having a lot of anxiety, and when I have a lot of anxiety my brain fires up and thinks forty billion thoughts at once, and sorting them out is impossible, so here we go!

Hi, my name is Mama Duck, and it has been two weeks since I wrote a post.
You may (or may not!) wonder what i'v been up to for the past two weeks. The answer to that is, not very much.
The funk that I have been grappling with is winning.
I took the semester off of college to get my life in order. From 7:30 am to 4:00 pm, it's all about keeping grand daughter Audrey fed, changed, entertained and alive. That becomes more of a challenge as she has recently decided that she's a goat and is climbing everything! The other day, a turned my back for a very short time (attempting to stay ahead of the whirlwind damage!) and I found her sitting in the middle of the kitchen table, where she had knocked over a partial cup of coffee and was checking her blood pressure with the monitor that I keep there.
There is a park about a half a block away that we will be frequenting once the weather is conducive to such.
After Audrey's mama picks her up, I do some housework, and then there is dinner, and the plan is to get my exercise in and spend the evening writing.
That has not been happening.
Because I am in a funk, I have spent a lot of time wasting time.
I personally am not a big TV or movie watcher. I would way rather read for entertainment/escapism. But we do have cable, which is recent...prior to that we did not have TV, except as a computer monitor. We have a pretty large screen TV for that purpose because The Chief wanted to be able to see to play Bejeweled. But he is never home to play it. And now the computer crashed. And recently we got cable so that the boys could watch football. (!!!!) So. Just lately I have wasted a lot of time watching Bones reruns, cheesy Hallmark movies,  and playing Pou games on my phone. I have gotten really good at Food Drop and feel compelled to beat my own score.  Because I am on edge, I can't concentrate to read. Or write. Which I am supposed to be doing.
The professor of my writing class very strongly urged me to write a whole book based on one of my short stories. And even though he resigned and moved away this semester, he offered to read and comment on what I write and hook me up with places to submit my work.  But I don't have time to write, because, well, there is Bones and Food Drop...mindless activities.
So why am I in a funk???
First of all, it's winter. After the past few years, I decided that I wasn't going to have a favorite season or a least favorite season, because after all...stuff happens in all seasons, they are all necessary, and life is too short to be grumpy about a season. But the cold and the gloom and the snow and ice...well, I just have a little bit of seasonal depression, and that's just how it is.
And the family drama that I can't talk about just keeps going on and on and on and oooonnnn without end and it's exhausting.
If you have Facebook, you've likely seen the thing that says something like "if you find yourself being pulled into other people's drama, just remember...not my circus, not my monkeys."
BUT THESE ARE MY MONKEYS!!!!! And apparently I was an ineffective mama duck because I trained these monkeys! And these are the kinds of situations that are occurring!!
Whew. Glad to get that off of my chest.
And then there is this...which I don't much talk about because somehow, The Chief's job is controversial in some circles. To us, it's how he makes a living, using the skills he has to provide for his family and help as many others as possible the best way he knows how.
He has an oilfield job. And unless you live under a rock, you likely know what's going on in the oilfield. Thousands and thousands of layoffs. Rig upon rig stacking.
Disaster for some of us.
I've been keeping up with some conversations regarding this occurrence, and it ASTOUNDS me that people are soooooooooo combative and contentious towards one another.
"We" are not responsible for gas or oil prices. Personally, I feel like there ought to be some balance. The price gouging in boom towns seems to be less "free enterprise" and more flat out greed, and I don't think it ought to be that way. I think there should be a balance between affordable fuel and people keeping their jobs. Our family is not becoming wealthy. WE are not owners of oil companies. The Chief EARNS a comfortable living by working hard! There is a lot of sacrifice involved for our family. He is away most of the time, working long hard hours and living in a man camp. That leaves me here almost as a single parent...everything else is my responsibility! At this exact point in time, our youngest has just turned 18, so we don't have little children now, but we did, and he and they have missed out on a lot of "family" stuff.
Eh, well, I just spent an hour explaining things, and then erased it all, because it doesn't matter.
The fact is, we are in a pickle. 2009 was our first bust as an oilfield family, and we lost everything and would have been homeless except family took us in. It was shocking, stressful, and humiliating, but we lived. And now, even though we have made an effort to live modestly and not extravagantly, it's happening again, and this is why i'm stressed out. I ask myself...well, ya lived through it last time, why are you so stressed out? And the answer is: naturally, nobody would want to repeat such an uncomfortable experience, and also, even though I thought I was way passed caring what other people think about me, apparently i'm not, and the humiliation of it all is getting me down. That's why I was trying to explain. But then I decided not too. Because it doesn't matter.
Except, this is why i'm in a funk.
And why i've been escaping into mindless time wasting.
I don't even know what to do right now.
I feel sort of dazed and confused, and maybe done. Except being done isn't actually an option.But definitely discouraged and anxious.
The Chief currently still has a job, and has been working pretty regularly, but there was a company wide pay cut to attempt to avoid layoffs. That has now ground to a halt and work is scarce. So yay, he is employed, but is looking at days and days of no work. Ya don't get paid if you don't work.
Guess i'll attempt to get a job, but that did not work out so well for me the last time I tried because I have no employment history for the past 20 years. And now EVERYONE will be looking for a job.
And I have news for Dave Ramsey...our "emergencies" ALWAYS exceed the initial 1000.00 emergency fund. And there have been a few just in 2014.
The good news is that our kids are all of age, and only one at home (of age but still in high school) so if we end up in a tent, well, she's a big kid.
The bad news is,  my daughter's family and my niece's family are also oilfield families, facing the same crises, so we may just have to create a family tent city.

ANYway...now that i've put all that out there...
I actually feel a little better. Except I just burdened you with my issues. Which I have been avoiding.
But now I have to move on from Bones.
And remember that I am a spiritual being having a human experience.
And that no matter what, I probably won't die. Unless I can't keep up with my medical bills and have another heart episode and am refused treatment, which I thought could not happen but apparently I was mistaken cuz this just happened to someone I know.

That's all.
Quack!