Bulletproof

     Some time ago, I read about "bulletproof" coffee. It's a Paleo thing, apparently, and it consists of coffee blended with butter...yes, BUTTER!...and coconut oil.  It did not sound at all appealing. EW was my response, to be honest.
   
     I've been struggling with my weight and healthfulness this winter, and just recently, I began to feel completely fed up with that struggle! I previously lost a significant amount of weight, and then over the past 6 months gained about half of it back. I'm fairly ticked off about that, and the fact that I did not stop that trend in its tracks when it started, and that I have not gotten a handle on it since.  Now the day has come in which I am through with that nonsense and I feel ready to rock and roll!
     Now, I am aware that there are a bazillion different lines of thought on diet/exercise/healthfulness. A bazillion opinions, books, plans, research results, etc etc etc and it seems like people can be very passionate about their own opinion on the matter, As for me, over years of experiment, struggle and research, I finally (after years of resisting and refusing to consider) tried lo carb, out of desperation, and found my "sweet spot".   Is it easy?? Not really, especially not at first. But I have found that I feel sooooooo much better both physically and mentally when I am following a lo carb eating plan. Just for clarity, the ultra lo carb period is limited, and then "healthy" carbs (from fruit and starchier veggies) are reintroduced.
     All that to say that now that I am ready to do this thing, I have a plan of action. I am doing a "carb rehab" period....2 weeks to a month, depending on how it goes...and then I am going to morph into a more Paleo type of eating, the difference being slight, but a little more interesting.
    So I decided to give bulletproof coffee a try.  According to a piece I recently read, this mess contains CLA and medium chain fatty acids that "are high quality fats that actually turn off our fat storing genes and switch on fat burning genes."

 I even went and bought a cheapie blender (my good one broke) for this project.
   

      I also bought this butter. It is from grass fed cows, and according to the packaging, it is IRISH butter, which automatically makes if far more interesting than any ole butter.

This is a tablespoon of butter and a tablespoon of coconut oil in my cheapie blender.

And this is what butter-coconut oil-coffee looks like when blended.

And here is my Irish butter coffee in my favorite latte mug! There is a nice froth on top, and it's not horrible! In fact, I kind of like it. It is better to finish up before it gets cool, though. Otherwise it starts feeling a little oily.  I have only one mug of this, and the rest of my cups of coffee are drunk black.

     These are my new purple heels! I totally dig them and they make me feel happiness.

I purchased these shoes from a garage sale! I do not like to shop much, and i'm not really into "garage sale-ing".  I am not one of those people who find the good stuff amidst the junk, and really my house has too much of my own junk in it already.  This is how it happened that I was at a garage sale where I purchased these way cool shoes:
     There is a community not far from here that holds community wide garage sales once a year. it is an annual event for some, including my sis in law. This seems to be a wealthy community, and so I suppose that their cast offs might be of higher quality than your average cast off. I am invited to go every year, and every year, I don't. Until this year. My SIL is out of town, and my mom, who I haven't  seen at all since July 2013 (that is 8 long months if your counting) is staying with the kids, who are accustomed to the yearly tradition. So, to cut to the chase, i did not want to be out and about at dark thirty in order to drive 45 minutes to shop at garage sales, but I did want to hang out with my mom. So even though I wasn't excited, and was still in the treacherous grip of the plague, I went, and I got purple heels, and had a pleasant Saturday.


   This is my pitcher collection on top of one of two of my corner china cabinets that the chief found on an online garage sale site. He does like to shop, even while working. I really dig the cabinets, and this white pitcher collection makes me really happy, particularly against the red wall!

 The largest one is new, a gift from Baby Blondie duck. She spent spring break with baby duck 3, and they went to some antique shops. 

   The past few days, I have felt like I am awakening from the winter funk. Everything seems brighter and more hopeful, including me! The mornings are beautiful, the birds are singing, the grass is greening,  and seasonal depression seems to be behind me, for which I am ever so grateful! I have spring fever something fierce....itching to spring clean, declutter, and get out in the yard!! Winter is not a good look for me, but I have three seasons between it and me now! 

Quack!

Weighty matters

     I am a fan of Zhena's gypsy tea. All evidence points to the fact that drinking green tea is beneficial to our health. Unfortunately for me, I don't particularly care for the flavor of green tea on it's own, largely due to it's lack of flavor! If something is going into my mouth and across my tongue, it really needs to taste like something! My own solution to this dilemma is to use a green tea bag along with a flavored tea bag...usually something cinnamon-y...and in that manner, receive the benefits of green tea along with a flavor bang. This actually works decently, and I don't really need to purchase Zhena's flavored green tea (they also carry other kinds...black, white, red) but there is something very appealing about it...from the very name to the interesting flavor blends to the cute tins they come in. The downside is, of course, that this tea is quite a bit pricier than a cardboard box of tea bags from WalMart, and no place in my rinky dink town carries it, so I must order it and wait for it to arrive! A plus is that, once a favorite flavor is decided on, one can then purchase a "refill" quantity, which comes in a bag from which the tins can be refilled. I don't purchase this tea often, but thus far Coconut Chai and Mojito Mint are favorite flavors.
   Recently, this Slim Me tea (in below picture) has been on my radar, and when they were offered at a sale price, I couldn't resist giving them a try! These are comprised of green tea, and many of the "weight loss" kind of thing that have been advertised of late...Senna, Raspberry Ketone, African Mango Seed, Dandelion, Garcenia Cambogia, and Green Coffee Bean. After that, the ingredients vary by flavor. For example, the peach vanilla contains white tea, licorice root, burdock, milk thistle, ginger root, and juniper berry, while the raspberry mint contains hibiscus, peppermint, burdock, milk thistle, ginger root, juniper, and buckthorn bark. This tea is purported as "Helps with appetite supression, promotes fat burning, helps reduce water retention, helps with digestion and elimination, promotes increased energy, helps with liver cleansing."  I don't know about all of these herbs, but I know that hibiscus helps with blood pressure, milk thistle is used for liver health, ginger is good for all kinds of thing, dandelion helps with water retention...so anyway, I ordered two different flavors and am giving them a go! Incidentally, this tea can be consumed as a hot beverage, OR one can pop a tea bag into a water bottle, and sip it cold!

     Below is the cup that I opted to use for my first cuppa. Normally, I am a coffee mug kind of gal, but just recently I have felt a compulsion to add some beauty, femininity,  and refinement into my life.

The first one I tried was the Peach Vanilla, because...YUM! Peach Vanilla! I regret to announce that the flavor did not meet my expectations. Neither of those flavors was very prominent, having been overshadowed by one of the other herbs whose flavor i'm not crazy about. I don't know which one. The raspberry mint was better. Very minty, masking the flavor of the other ingredients. As far as whether or not these Slim Me teas perform as advertised, well, the jury is out, because I JUST received them! 

     This coconut butter is another recent purchase. A friend of mine highly praised this brand of coconut butter, and so when I became aware that I could order it from Amazon (Amazon is my favorite, and Amazon prime just rocks my face off) I had to try it as well. As you can see, I chose the chocolate hazelnut brownie flavor, anticipating that it would be rather like Nutella, without the "bad"! This 12 oz. jar was 14.99, free shipping thanks to Amazon Prime! (Whee haw!) I have recently heard about (from the lo-carb, Paleo crowd) putting butter (yes, BUTTER!) and coconut oil in coffee in place of creamer. Ew. That does not sound all that appealing to me. I think I prefer to just drink my coffee black, although I haven't actually tried it. When I received this coconut butter, I had the bright idea of putting some in my coffee. Nutella coffee!!!! OMGoodness!!! 

    Nope. I am deeply pained that this does not taste at all like Nutella. The chocolate and hazelnut are barely detectable and mostly it just tastes coconutty. That is not a BAD thing, I like coconut. But when one's expectation is Nutella, and instead one gets coconut, well, that's a pretty big let down. 

    I am not an especially picky eater. Only once in awhile do I come across a flavor that I just can't bear. Texture is another matter altogether. I am very picky about the texture of things, and in my opinion, coffee should not have any texture at all. Just smooth dark delicious liquid. I don't (even before I started avoiding such things) dunk cookies or biscotti or whatever in my coffee, because I cannot abide the crumbs left behind. The thing is, this coconut butter made my coffee lumpy, (there actual bits of coconut in it) and I just CANNOT drink lumpy coffee. Can. Not.

    

     I have had a huge struggle with weight/healthfulness for oh, about 17 years. Not that I have ever been what one would call thin...but for my height and bone structure 135 is the highest "recommended" weight. For the most part, I have stayed within 10 or 15 lbs of this weight for most of my adult life, with the exception of having to work after each of my 5 pregnancies. Hm, that's actually inaccurate. With the first two, I actually LOST weight, after which that was not the case anymore. I THOUGHT I was fat and hideous and struggled with weight. And then, during my pregnancy with baby duck#5, I developed gestational diabetes and packed on a TON of weight! I actually lost it all after the birth, but something shifted  and I gained it all back in a ridiculously short time, and have had a REAL struggle with weight from that time on! I am only 5'1 1/2, so every pound shows, and so when I reached my all time high of 230 lbs, it wasn't a pretty picture. Not only in appearance, but in how I felt, physically and emotionally! At one point, about 2 1/2 years ago, enough was enough, I buckled down and lost a bunch of pounds, and then I was stuck on a plateau for an entire YEAR!!!, which I finally busted through by relinquishing my stubborn-ness and trying the lo-carb thing. Now, I am no expert, and i'm sure lo-carb is not for everyone, but it is the answer for me...after two months on a certain plan, I was losing weight steadily, and more than that, I felt SO GOOD! Physically AND mentally!!! 

    And then my son Joey died, and that threw me for a big ole loop, and as an emotional eater, i have struggled to get back to that happy place for the ensuing 1 1/2 years. It's been very up and down, and while I managed to maintain, I have never gotten back to that "sweet spot" of feeling good and losing steadily. Then, after having lost 55 lbs, in the past few months, I gained back 20, and i'm back to feeling yucky and sluggish and certainly not on top of my game...not in my home life, not in class, not anywhere...and so I have now joined a 30 day Paleo challenge to get that ball rolling again...I am so ready to feel good again, to look better, and to get rid of the regained 20 plus another 30 or so. The age of 49 is looming closely on the horizon, and I by gum refuse to be old and sickly and decrepit, until it is absolutely out of my power to control! 

    The first week of the challenge did not go so well...I mean, I stuck to plan, and was feeling less foggy and less hungry, but I had NO weight loss, and so i'v had to go ALL the way back to no fruit and no starchy veggies for awhile. Experience has taught me that I have to do this to rebalance my systems, and then I can add these things a little at a time with no ill effect. The absolute best course for me would be to avoid any kind of refined carbs for the entire rest of my life, as they do a horrible number on my body. That seems kind of harsh, but consider this fact...last year, I had worked VERY hard, was feeling VERY good, and was at my lowest weight in 16 (at that time) years, and so I thought, HEY! It's my birthday! One piece of delicious Cherry Chip birthday cake (my absolute favorite since I was a kid) is not unreasonable! 

And now i'v been on a year long (intermittent) binge. 

So this year on my birthday...no cake. NO! CAKE! I do not care who says "oh, come on! It's your birthday! You have to have a cake!" No, no I do not. It will be my 49th birthday, and what I have to have is health and well being and happiness not in the form of cake. 

     So here's to week two of the challenge, modified to meet my personal needs, and to seeing if this Slim Me tea is help or hype! 

Quack!

Present and Accounted For

     I belong to an online site called "Sparkpeople".  I don't remember all the details, but this fella came into a lot of money, and what did he do with it? He started this site. It is all about weight loss and healthy living. There are a multitude of tools available to users. Food trackers, calorie counters, activity trackers, hundreds of articles, "work out" videos, an opportunity to have a personal page where one can blog. One can earn virtual trophies and badges and interact with others. There are all kinds of "teams" based on any number of things: lifestyle, interests, particular health challenges, place of residency....and it is all free.
     There was a time when I was very active on Sparkpeople.  I had almost 200 "friends", and was co-leader of two different teams, one of which was the official team for my state and has over 30k members.  As co-leader, it was my responsibility to help come up with fitness/health related challenges, visit member pages and attempt to keep others encouraged, and I was given the job of putting out a monthly team newsletter.
    This kept me very busy and in front of the computer for an inordinate amount of time, but I loved it! Apparently, one of my strengths is being enthusiastic and encouraging.
    It began to occur to me, over time, that these activities were taking over the entire rest of my life. I had a vision of myself sitting in front of the computer, weighing 700 lbs, unable to walk, but saying all the right things to encourage others to weight management and healthfulness! It wasn't long before I had reluctantly resigned my co-leaderhood, and shortly after, curtailed my blogging activity and began working on bringing balance into my life. I began to bring focus to MY OWN health, spirit-body-mind. I came out of my imaginary world and back into my own life and family.

A few months later, Joey died suddenly, unexpectedly, unbelievably.
Among a trillion other thoughts and feelings, one thing that I was very glad of was that I was present for that last time with him. I felt overwhelming gratitude that I was moved to do that before he died.

I revisit the site from time to time, and write the occasional blog post.  The thing is, once one removes themselves from the spotlight, one is quickly forgotten. On that particular site, there are maybe 3 "friends" left that "remember" me. Over time, many have deactivated their pages/accounts. Fortunately, there are a handful of those "friends" that became actual friends with whom there is interaction outside of the site.

Technology has many benefits, no doubt about it. Online resources can certainly enrich our lives. Smartphones are extremely convenient. Just this weekend, we had the experience of reuniting a dog with it's owner thanks to a local online "garage sale" site and speedy quick, as the owner had a smartphone with which she could frequently check for updates and messages.

Like every thing else, what has a light side also has a dark.

Lately, I have been noticing the downside of cell phone/smart phone usage.  It is interfering with "our" relationships. All too often lately I have heard "can't you just put that phone away and talk to us"? Two different couples I know recently went on a rare date..."couple time"!!!...and I heard the complaint that "they were on their phone the whole time." During one of our recent holiday gatherings, it was said that "here we are, all together, and everyone is looking at their phones." yep, it was true. Of myself, as well, and I was ashamed.
Just yesterday, the chief was home (a rare occasion) and we were sitting together in the living room...and I felt lonely. We weren't talking or interacting in any way. We were both on our phones.

My time and family relationships are too precious to not be present for. If all of my quiet moments are spent scrolling through facebook or pinning things (many of which are just page clutter), I am missing moments in which I could be listening for "spirit".  If I am doing those things, or texting while not being present with those who are in the same room with me, I am not nurturing those relationships.  I'm not giving room for my creative energy to manifest. I am spending too many mindless hours on things that aren't all that important in the long run. And heaven forbid, I lose another loved one whose last days were not cherished because I was wrapped up in my phone!

I'm glad for my iphone. I'm grateful that I can keep better track of my kids, and I can talk to the Chief whenever he has a moment through out the day.

But I hereby declare that I will not longer be in bondage to it's apps.

Party like it's 2013

It is December 31, New Years Eve, so therefore one must write a "New Year" post, right? Certainly, as the last page of 2013 is about to turn, reflection over the past year is not remiss.

For me, it seems as if it has been a very looooooooooooooong year! In fact, it has been the standard 12 months, like every other year, but it feels longer. On December 31, 2012, I was just gearing up to attend my first college class! I've only been "in college" for one year?? It feels like FOREVER!


 I have a "happy jar" that I started on New Year's last year....i'm going to read all of my little notes tonight, but I stopped adding "happy notes" several months ago! Shame on me! I'm going to start a new one for this year, and hope to not drop the ball this time. I'm looking forward to reading what is in that jar, though. As I sit here mentally sifting through the year....there is just too much! Weddings and school and babies and death and pigs and, and, and.......!!!!

I am not making any resolutions...i'm lived through enough Januaries to know that resolutions are futile. Honestly, marking time by years is not really something I do anymore. I wake up every morning with new hope for a new day!

As I peer into the foggy specter of 2014, this is what I hope and plan for, with the disclaimer that any expectations are folly and only God knows what this year will really bring...


*Survive, mentally and emotionally, for as many days as God allows me days...
*Get through Savanna's tonsil surgery without having a heart attack.
*Be kind, compassionate and not selfish, and be a better, more thoughtful and considerate wife, mom, daughter, auntie, friend..
*Pass algebra like a rock star..
*Master this photo thing so that my posts have some visual interest, and so I can change my profile picture which is a year and a half old...
*For goodness sake, remember that all of those weight management efforts are not about vanity, but about FEELING GOOD and having the mental and emotional energy to live!
*Stop thinking I have to be my own hero and "let go and let God"....

And ditch my anger issues, which is not generally a problem for me. However, one might discern that there is a problem when one is writing and rewriting (mentally) a scene in a story wherein a strange little man is the protagonist who gets beat down by a girl (who has a face resembling one's self)....I actually have a pretty nasty temper, but it takes forever to awaken that dragon, and I am talking YEARS, decades even....i just don't get really angry that easily, and I make a point to deal with any anger as it comes up, so that it doesn't get to the point of blind rage, because that's just never pretty....however, I have become aware of quite a lot of anger bubbles, and it's not even at anyone or anything specific, just in general, and I'm pretty sure it probably has to do with a delayed grieving process....in any case, it's disturbing, and while i'm not happy with myself, i'm thankful to have become aware so that it can be dealt with and defused...


Movies aren't really my thing. I would far rather read a book, or have a conversation, or play a game of scrabble than watch movies. Of  the ones I have watched, there are very very few that I thought were worth the time spent. Going to the movies, at a theater, is not something we, as a family are in the habit of. However, last night ducks 2 and 5 were going on a "siblings" date to see the Desolation of Smaug (A hobbit movie) and duck 3 was in town for a dr. appt, so she and I decided to tag along. Once I got past the sticker shock...(5 bucks for a soda??? No wonder we don't go to the theater! Pretty pricey form of entertainment!) i'm not sorry that I went! We watched it in 3D, and it ROCKED!

And that is the end of this New Year's post. Mostly because I just have a lot to do, since tomorrow is another holiday day....

What are your thoughts on 2014?

Confessions

This shall be a photo-less post...
all of my pictures (1000+) are on my recently retired phone, and I never bothered to back anything up on icloud, because I have no clue what icloud is or how to use it.
Ergo, no pictures.

It has been a hectic, chaotic, full-on crazy few months, and frankly I am exhausted! There has been so much going on, and most of it I can't even talk about because even though these are issues and events  that profoundly affect me and my life, they AREN'T MY STORIES TO TELL! So I don't even know why I am bothering to write a post!

Confession time, I guess. In the midst of all of that stuff that I can't talk about, and other stuff and taking care of a baby who just doesn't like me quite as much as she likes her mama, and hostessing Thanksgiving and what not, (the Chief was on vacation that week, but there was SO MUCH going on, we didn't have 5 minutes together, and it sure wasn't restful or relaxing!) I managed to make an A in English 1302, be highly recommended to the creative writing class, and consequently be enthusiastically invited to said class (Oh joy, oh excitement, oh happy day) all of which was a big and much needed confidence boost...but FAILED SKUNKY ALGEBRA!!!!!!!!!! Well, I ended up with a D, but I had to at least have a C to pass sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo no writing class for me. I have to take...AND PASS!!...math 0320 again.  And a bunch of people to say "I told you so" to.  I really have to tell you, I am so bummed and discouraged and disgusted and embarrassed and all kinds of other stuff, and seriously, I feel like just giving up. I just spent an entire semester not doing a bunch of stuff (like with the kids, or keeping up with the house, working out, finishing my painting projects, etc) so I could do this, not to mention the money involved, and now I have to do it again! I feel like i'm wasting a whole bunch of time and money and I should just forget it and go back to regular life.

But what kind of example would that be?? When the going gets tough, quit? When it's not fun and you've lost focus and feel like a big loser you should just GIVE UP??  That is what kind of example that would be, and I would strongly discourage my kids or loved ones or friends from doing that! So here I go, back to Algebra.

Also in this disastrous semester, I GAINED BACK twenty pounds. Yes, twenty. It's awful. I don't have any fat clothes left, and I darn sure am not getting any more, so I am squeezing my mass into clothes that don't fit well, and not only do I feel like I look awful but I KNOW that I FEEL awful! My joints hurt, my head hurts, I have a killer sinus issue going on, my BP is up, i'm not sleeping great, or frankly at my best mentally or emotionally....ALL of which are GREATLY improved when I eat well (IE: fresh whole home made food, no refined empty carbs or wheat, etc) and work out regularly!

So now not only do I have to retake this semester of algebra, (and pass) I also have to re-lose twenty pounds, plus some more because I wasn't actually done yet!

I'm really hoping to get it ALL back together by the time school starts again, and i'm reading a book a little at a time called "Boundaries" that the chief said I should read. Much of it makes sense, but whether or not i'm actually capable of implementing "personal boundaries" is the question!

I'm thinking of having soup and sammiches for the holiday dinner. I wonder how that would go over? :)

Now I shall share with you a nice story. I saved up a bunch of money to buy The Chief some wood working tools that he wants. He took it and ordered Joey's headstone. And then Chanelle felt like pitching in on that.  So the chief has no tools, and Chanelle and her hubbies savings is smaller, but Joey is going to have a headstone soon! What a guy, huh? and what a kid!

And that's what's up! What's up with you?

Quack!

A blog of little brain

I want to blog. I had no intention of leaving my blog idle for over a month now. However, between classes and homework and babies and holidays.....um, there is no time to blog. The only reason I still facebook is because I have FB on my iphone and can do that in odd minutes in between this and that.
I have an algebra final on Monday and then I am done with school for the semester! What will happen next is a mystery.  Either I will solidly pass my final and be through with algebra at least for now, or I won't in which case I will be retaking this class next semester. (I am in possession of enough funds for only one class for the spring semester.) If I do pass, and I get accepted into the writing class (my English professor indicated that she would be glad to give me a recommendation) then I will be taking THAT class next semester. If I pass algebra, but don't get accepted into the writing class, then I have no clue what is next. I guess I will be altogether done, unless another idea makes itself known.
In any case...perhaps I will be able to get some blogging in during the winter break!

Whatsoever Things Are Lovely

This is my newest grand-daughter, Audrey Lola. She was born on Oct. 4, and this photo of her is from yesterday, Halloween. She is wearing her spidey jammies.

This is part of the rest of our trick or treating gang. From left are my two youngest daughters, the little one is my great niece, the two little boys are my great nephews, and Alice there in front is my other grand-daughter (Audrey's big sister, Natalie.)

And this is my coffee table that a week ago was unpainted wood, and now it is teal blue, thanks to my hubs, The Chief! I was VERY unsure about the whole thing when he took my furniture to the back yard and started sanding, but I think I love it. A lot. 

These are all lovely things, are they not? 

Know what's not lovely? The short stories we have been studying in English Comp 2. Not lovely at all. "A Rose For Emily"(Faulkner). "The Lottery".(Jackson). "Hills Like White Elephants"(Hemingway).  "Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been?"(Oates).  These are just a few that we have studied, and I actually read some of the other stories that we AREN'T studying.

What do these stories have in common?

*Classic Literature

*Studied and interpreted and studied some more.

*Included in an anthology for an English class.

*Dark, grim, and icky.

*Not lovely

It seems as if that trend continues. The dark, grim, and icky seems to be popular with society. I base this observation on the fact that I learned to avoid anything that had been an "Oprah Book Club" selection, and many on the "Best Sellers" list for the very reason that they lean toward the dark side. 

In studying these stories, we have learned some about the authors, and what the critics think. It is well known that many authors as well as other artsy types are a moody bunch to start with. Then we hear about how maybe their mothers didn't love them, or they weren't accepted in their community (in the case of Oates) or, in the case of  the poet Robert Frost, his daughters were divorced and his son died, and this is why he had depression and wrote some dark poetry. 

Listen. Basic human nature is not lovely. Life circumstances are not always lovely. Depression is not lovely. Man's inhumanity to man is not lovely. 

I have an intimate knowledge of some unlovely things. 

Very recently I was reminded of some things from my past that I don't really dwell on because it is the past and because it is dark and icky.

Once upon a time, in another life, I was married to this guy. He was a meth addict/dealer, and an emotional manipulator, and a terrible husband. Honest to goodness I was so naive....I had no idea that there were people that actually lived and behaved this way!  Every time I wanted out, he would either be really really good for awhile or threaten violence or suicide.  But then he would tell me things like he couldn't take me "out" with him, because I didn't act or dress right for his crowd. Then he left me for a TEENAGER!!!!!

And then 5 years ago October, he hung himself.

Then there was some other stuff. 

And then some other stuff. 

We've declared bankruptcy...been homeless except for the kindness of family. Then Joey died. And then a lot of other stuff stemming from that experience. 

Including not only coping with the death of my son, but watching other of my loved ones suffer from that loss and not being able to do anything!!!

And some other stuff.

Oh, and I do live with bipolar 2 disorder, which lends itself to very intense moods. 

Honestly, I have a point. 

I know about darkness.

The devil knows my name.

I'v smelled the brimstone of hell.

Been singed by demons dogging my steps and grasping for me.

I'v been to the dark side of the moon.

AND I DON'T LIKE IT THERE!!!

I much prefer to walk in the light!!

And while I DO write in the darkest hour, NOBODY EVER READS that stuff because in the writing of it, I am purging  toxins, and if I served them up for public consumption, it would be like spreading a virus. Like a zombie apocalypse!  Why would I do that???

I would NOT, but apparently, many many many other authors DO do that, and society EATS IT UP!! 

So I don't know that writing will ever really soar for me, because I OBJECT to the spreading of unloveliness, and it seems to me like the world at large could use some more LIGHT rather than grimness, but it also seems like it doesn't want it. 

There is a verse in scripture that says: 

Philippians 4:8 

 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

So in dwelling on things that are true, honest, just, pure, lovely, of good report....
I WON'T be dwelling on the things that AREN'T, which then lends itself to peace, contentment, joyfulness, and LIGHT!!!

And that is my latest gripe about English Composition, and why I don't actually think I will ever be a published author....it's the grim stuff that seems to appeal to humanity, and grim is not my style.

But I will live (probably) to quack another day!