Breaking Bread

Have you ever wondered what the difference is between French and Italian bread?
I never even thought about Italian bread until very recently when I saw it on a list of foods containing resistant starch.

Have you ever wondered why some of us often pick up a loaf of french bread when we are serving something like spaghetti for a meal?
I hadn't until I became aware of Italian bread. Now I do wonder, and I have no answer for that.

In any case, the difference between French and Italian bread is this:
In France, by law, bread cannot contain any oil or fat.
Whaaaaaaaat???? By law???
Huh! Super interesting!
Also, Italian bread is traditionally shorter and fatter than French loaves.
Ha.

I recently purchased the Kindle edition of "In Defense Of Food" because it was two bucks, and the title interested me.
I skipped a lot because it was mostly dry and boring writing, but it came down to this:
Eat food. Not too much. Mostly from plants.
In other words, eat real food, not food-like manufactured edibles, in reasonable amounts, with plenty of plant based foods.
Alternately, eat like a Blue Zoner or a Mediterranean which is basically the same idea.
Just don't eat like an American. That will get you in trouble.

I wanted Italian bread, because bread, and resistant starch, but bread bought in a store...eh.
I decided to make some, using the first recipe from my google search.
As you can see, it turned out perfect and beautiful.
Hahahaha, no you can't, because my pictures would not attach. That also means that you can't see that I am totally lying...my batard was weird looking and not perfect. But it was delicious.

FYI: batard is the shape of the loaf, also known as torpedo. You learn something new every day.

Anyway, as I was enjoying this delicious homemade Italian bread, I started wondering WHY it contained resistant starch, when it is basically just a form of white bread.
I remembered that sourdough bread was also on that list of RS foods (as well as pumpernickel and rye) and so I delved a little more deeply into the subject of traditional Italian bread and GUESS WHAT??
Traditional Italian bread is made with a starter, called a biga, much like sourdough starter!!!
Boom!
I still don't know why that creates RS in white bread, but whatever.
Now I have to make more Italian bread the correct way, with a biga.
And I will just make a round loaf and not concern myself with a batard.
I will let you know how that goes.

Fish are friends, not food

Hi, my name is Valerie and I have not "blogged" in 2 years.
I do not know why I am blog posting now.

It's not like there is anything new under the sun.
It's not like I have any more technological skill, and therefore don't know how to post pics. Everyone knows that pictures are more popular than words!

Wait.
Did I just say more popular?
Why am I caring about popularity?!
Oh, right. Because when I started this blog, I had the vague idea in the depths of my brain that I would be the next Ree Drummond.
I mean, she's cute and funny.
I'm cute and sometimes funny.
I mean, right??

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

You know how when you were a teenager, and you were all socially awkward, and you said weird stuff at random times? (Or was that just me?)
It's the reason that I am EVER so thankful that when I was a teenager/young adult, there was no social media. Because that would have just been awkward.
That's how I feel when I read over previous posts.
Some things that come into my head should just stay in my head. Those thoughts don't always translate well to the written word.

Oops.

Anyway.
Two years ago, my life hit a big fat brick wall and i've sort of been splattered against it for all these months.
Also, for awhile I was very busy cleaning motel rooms, and then trying to not ruin people financially.
And now i'm back "home" and back to square one, except now there are not very many people here to keep me busy or company, and I don't think going back to college is an option again because next up would be more Algebra and it has been toooooooo long and i don't think that I would do very well evaluating algebraic expressions now,
and I find that I am in a bit of a funk and have turned to the extremely unfruitful and unprofitable bad habit of escaping into "Bones" on Netflix (which, aside from "Pirates" and "Harry Potter" which I have already seen one billion three hundred eighty four and a half times is the only thing I can bare to watch,)
and I would now like to rejoin the land of the living,
but I still don't have anything much to talk about except for the books I hate and the ridiculous diet/nutrition industry
and maybe I should get a job again, but not cleaning or being in charge of people's bank accounts, except if I did that, I would NEVER see the Chief.

And so, hi, I might be back.
Sort of.
Maybe.

Wallow and obsess...those are my superpowers.

     Here's the thing.

When my son Joey died (at the age of 20) in June of 2012, I don't know that I followed the appropriate mourning protocol. I don't know that there is any one best way of grieving. I guess we all do the best we can to get through it. 

What I did was throw myself into life and kept very, very, very busy.

I signed up for college. I took care of the rest of my family.

It went something like this: my oldest daughter had moved to another state at the age of 21 with my grand daughter. Over the 7 years that she was there, we saw each other in person maybe 5 times. And then Joey died, and maybe 3 months later, she moved home and reconnected with her ex-husband/baby daddy, and they have remarried and had another baby.

The next month, another daughter that had lived in another state left her whole life behind just like that and moved home, and immediately reconnected with an old flame. A month later, he moved here. Now they are married and have a baby. 

My son who lives in the next state over was here more than not.

At one point...ALL of those people lived with us (at the same time!) in our little bitty house. 

And then my niece and her husband and three young children moved here. 

I was going to school and doing home work and hanging out with all these people all of the time. I was very very busy and preoccupied. 

     And then last summer, I got "sick" and ended up in the hospital with Congestive Heart Failure, but what? I kept on going! I went to school and did homework and babysat my wee little grand daughter and more often than not, had 12 or 15 people for dinner! 

    I was very busy and very preoccupied. 

    Then I may have crashed and burned a little bit. 

   I took the spring semester off from college in order to catch up with myself and focus on my health.

     Back tracking just a bit, 4 years ago I saw a picture of myself and felt a deep self loathing. I had gotten SO FAT, and decided to do something about that. And so, I embarked on a mission, and actually lost 60 lbs. At one point, I was very involved with the Sparkpeople website, and motivating others was motivating to me. At the time that Joey died, I had just broken through a plateau and was at an all time low. Over the course of the following 3 years, I was very busy and preoccupied. (Have I mentioned that already?) I stopped paying attention to my eating habits, I stopped exercising regularly, and the weight started creeping back on. 

    The past 6 months have found me wallowing instead of getting myself in line.  One daughter and her husband moved to another town about 2 hours away.

     My niece and her family moved to another state. 

     I'm not going to school or doing homework. I'm not writing, which is what i'm supposed to be doing. I'm still babysitting grand baby duck. ( Both of them while school is out.)

Pretty sure I got less busy, less preoccupied, and a big black cloud landed square on top of my head! I have felt physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted, and when the third anniversary of the traumatic day that changed our life forever (June 10-11...he was missing on the 10th and found on the 11th) rolled around, it just rolled over me like a massive boulder, and I just was not expecting that. It's been three years, for pete's sake! 

     ANYWHO! The point is, I have GAINED 10 lbs since I was in the hospital, and I haven't been in a good place emotionally,  and then I had a check up with my cardiologist. My BP with meds was 160/116! 

    That number sort of screamed at me, penetrating the fog, and now I have to pull myself together or (literally!) die trying! 

    I don't really want to be obsessed with what i'm eating or what my exercise habits are, but it's the only way i'm going to get anywhere! I have rejoined Sparkpeople.com (if you need some health/fitness/weight loss motivation, check it out and look me up! Vibrantval is my user name!

    This whole long blog post is just an attempt to warn whoever might be in my life in any manner that, as wearing as it can get for the general population, i'm about to be talking a lot about all that mess. Perhaps if I were a more balanced type of person, or less ADD, it could just be a side job, but no...i'm not, and immersing myself is the only way for me to stay focused! 

    So...let's hear it for losing 50 lbs by my next check up in December, and another 20 or 25 after that!  To getting my blood pressure under control and maybe just maybe ditching the meds! And to shaking the gloomies and getting on with the rest of my life!

Quackity QUUUUUUUUUACK!

I have found the one that I love

Have you ever heard of Barbara Claypole White? I had not until very recently. She is an author, and I don't exactly remember where I came across her name. I "follow" way too many authors, some that I don't even like, for the sole purpose of finding new authors.
    Anyway, Barbara's name ended up on my "to check out" list, and just a couple of days ago, I got " An Unfinished Garden" on my laptop.
     Oh my word!!! OH MY WORD!!! This story grabbed hold of me from page one and didn't turn me loose...well, it hasn't yet. Even though I finished it last night.
When I was supposed to have gone to bed super early, because I am really exhausted lately, and I just need some SLEEP.  I don't know why I think going to bed early is the answer...I don't sleep anyway...but that was my plan. Instead, I finished this book, turned out the light at about 11:00, and still had a hard time sleeping.
    Anyway, about the story:
      I suppose it is a "romance", but definitely not your typical one, and there is SO much more to this story than romance. It's about Tilly, who is a widow and consumed with grief and guilt, and her 8 year old son Isaac. It is about James, who is a software developer or some such, but has sold his family farm, his company, and his home and retired at the age of 45 in order to move to South Carolina. He is there to participate in clinical trials for treatment of OCD.
    James is OCD! Not as in " I'm a neat freak, so I'm OCD". Not "I like to organize my cabinets" OCD. He is actually, clinically OCD, with the rituals and obsessions and all.
    Also in this story is Tilly's mother, ex-high school love who has always been buzzing in the back ground, and her best friend.
     Oh my stars and garters, this story is intense! It is about fear and courage. It's about facing demons head on. It's about helping each other do that. It's about all kinds of relationships and all kinds of love, and there is more than one way that the story could go, and the reader is not really sure which way it SHOULD go,  and the ending...wow. WOW!

    There is some strong language in here just so ya know, but its not like some books where it's in every other sentence.

    There are no sex scenes in this book! No body has sex with anyone in the course of this story! There is physical attraction. There is passion. There is the actual development of relationships. But no sex. And it was intense.

   I really have no gripes about this story.
I loved it, and I want to crawl up in it. Instead, I will move on to the next book by this author.
     *Note: There are only two, with a third coming out soon.

Okay, that is all!
Go read this book!
Quack!

Living it up

I'm on a Joy mission. Joy has been missing from my life for awhile now, and i'm over it. Determined to make the most of summer, one of my joy projects was to turn my tiny backyard into a mini tropical paradise. Because I was born for island time. Because I yearn for sun and sand and water and palm trees. If it was up to only me,  our house would be a beach house even though any beach is very very VERY far away! Thankfully, I don't live alone, so I have the privilege of taking the preferences of the other family members into consideration. 

Anyway. The back yard was a mess. The Chief was working on his garage and there was stuff everywhere. Have I mentioned that the back yard is tiny? Eventually, all the stuff found it's place, and this past week was all about the transformation. First, I painted this furniture. An old desk that has been out in the weather, and the two stools that Joey gave me shortly before his Departure From Earth. I can't just get rid of them, but there is no room for them in the house.

Tiny backyard...picnic table...grill...some junk...

Ta da! I painted the desk and the stools with exterior paint. I just happened to have a gallon of this very light blue. Back before the budget got so tight, we picked it up for a few bucks because it was a custom color and then the customer didn't want it. My sister in law, Monica, taught me to do that! I've had this gallon of paint for a couple of years, and guess what? I found a use for it! It might not be the color I would have chosen to use in my own personal mini "tropical paradise", but it works! I spray painted a couple of planters and the rusty folding chair that has been lounging out here. And, well, there is my pool! Would I rather have a real in ground pool? Why, yes, yes I would!! Desperately! But I don't have one of those and probably never will. What I do have is a $15 "family size" kiddie pool! It is only 1.5 feet deep, but it is big enough for me and the grand babies to play in...and when they go home? Oh, ya! Pool meditation! 

I have to confess that I hate bugs in the pool, and spend an inordinate amount of time skimming. 

Here is a close up of the "garden" Two of these plants are "palms"....but not. For example, the ponytail palm...it's not really a palm tree. It is more of a desert plant. But I don't care. I like it.

And on the picnic table....My sis-in-law contributed these shells, and I got a citronella candle from family dollar for three bucks. Isn't it CUTE??? I love it!

I am very pleased with my summer area! I can honestly say that it adds joy to my life! And my poor dead aloes down there? They are showing signs of revival!

Don't you love getting stuff in the mail? I do! It is very sad that actual snail mail is practically a thing of the past. Snail mail is one of those nice little things that infuses joy into my life! Another Joy project is sending snail mail.  This project got off to a slow start, because i'm not that crafty, but i'm also on a...you guessed it!...budget. Alone time is at a premium as well. Here is a sample of my efforts. Scrap book paper...cut up gift bags...card stock printer paper...a glue stick...ta da!  Inexpensive, fairly simple and quick...but fun! 

And...I don't know where my last picture went. It was a photo of the dining table set for a meal. No matter how many there are...or aren't...at meal time, meals are almost always a sit down family affair. These dishes that you can't see...I got them at a garage sale for a quarter a piece. Similar to Fiesta Ware (which I LOOOOOOOOVE), but my mom said that she saw these at Family Dollar...for a dollar! There is one each of blue, coral, sage green and yellow! Dinner plates, I mean.  I love how they look on the table. They make me happy! There are also hot pink plastic glasses from walmart...4 for a buck fifty or something like that. Just an example of how color and fun and joyful things are available without big bucks! 

And...that is all for this post I think! 

How do you infuse Joy into your life?!

Quack!

Green and growing

Do you like to grow things? 

I sure do.

I love having a big ole vegetable garden, but haven't been able to have one in some time now. 

I've had some really great ones in the past. Crazy thing is, I have no luck growing ornamental plants outdoors. Like, flowers for example. Even bulbs. I plant and plant, and it just never works out. Everything either doesn't ever grow at all, or dies. I had (had being the operative word here) two big aloe vera plants. I read that they would benefit from being outside once the danger of frost had passed. So I put them outside. Then they died. 

 I have an indoor garden instead! This is my jungle corner. It is my favorite area in my whole house. 

The huge tree like plant in the back? (Ya, I have no idea what it's called.) I started it from a tiny little cutting off of one of my sis in law's plant. 

I saw a post on Facebook about re-growing celery from a bunch purchased in the produce department. Do not mind my messy window sill and backsplash there. We had new windows put in A YEAR AGO and the inside is yet to be finished. This is my kitchen window, out of which I can see the neighbor's ladder to their pool.  

Back to the celery...I decided to give it a go and see what happened. So right there it is, in my kitchen window...the bottom off of a celery bunch.

And in this horribly lit photo, it has been growing for about a week...

Annnnd....a little longer.....and in the yellow and green pot, there are some succulents (I don't know which ones) growing from leaves that fell off of my other succulent plant. I just love it when one little ole thing turns into a bunch of other things, don't you?

And here it is as of today! It has roots and everything! So now it's time to plant it in some dirt, if I ever get around to that. I have no idea how long it will take to make new celery stalks. but I will be interested to see! I have another bunch of celery in the fridge waiting to be in some salads and stir frys and whatnot, and i'm going to regrow that one, as well. I just won't put them outside. 

I have a sweet potato vine started, too. It is taking it's sweet time but it finally has some roots. 

Speaking of growing things, here is grandbaby duck #2, running back and forth down the sidewalk. This little girl is something else! It is finally warm enough to utilize the wading pool (1.5 ft deep) on the days that it isn't raining, but at first she wanted nothing to do with it! I finally coaxed her in, and now she doesn't want to get out...ever! I guess there are worse things than an afternoon in the pool! (I babysit her 5 days a week.)

Baby Duck #3 and baby Roscoe were here for a visit this passed weekend. It was so great, and there is supposed to be a picture of Roscoe in this post, but I don't know where it is. I figured out how to post pictures to my blog from my phone, so I do that and then publish it. After that, I get on my laptop and edit the post with text, and it seems that transactions sometimes go awry. 

(I totally just had to google how to spell awry.) 

If you were wondering if the celery trick that you saw on FB or Pinterest really works, now you know! It does! Go forth and grow new celery!

Quack!

lopsided layers

So. I recently read a blog post about successfully blogging. Apparently, one must pick a subject and blog about that thing. For example, there are health and fitness blogs, food blogs, book blogs, diy blogs, etc etc etc. 

But lets talk about Ree Drummond, The Pioneer Woman, for a minute. I'm kind of a fan girl, to be honest, and I was following her blog before she got all super famous. But see...She doesn't blog about just one thing. She has food posts, and homeschooling post and gardening posts and ranch post and all kinds of posts! And she wrote an excellent book about the beginning of her life with Marlboro Man, and she has a cooking show, and cook books....

Not that I ever set out to have a "successful" blog. Or that I in any way compare to Ree Drummond. I mean...she is energetic and talented and funny, and she seems to be a genuinely nice person. Also, she has an interesting life on the ranch. Also maybe she has technological skills. 

I do, however, write about a variety of topics. This is a health and fitness food book random rant blog.  This is a blog for the untalented, uncrafty and undomestic but wish they were and keep trying.  Or, the untalented, uncrafty and undomestic who don't actually care, but want to make a layer cake on occasion.  For those who are on the ADD side of center instead of the OCD. Or, the talented and crafty and domestic who just want to laugh at somebody. Or whoever.

Today's post happens to be about food. So today it is a food blog. 

Actually, cake. This post is about cake. I saw a recipe on Facebook for an old fashioned butter cake. Now, I am 50 years old, raised 5 baby ducks, and have been feeding them for about 31 years. But I have never made a layer cake.  It just seemed so intimidating. My mom has made some beautiful ones over the years, and just watching her perfectly shave that dome off of the top...well, it just scares me. 

One time, I decided to trim Baby Duck 3's hair. It was about hip length when I started, and shoulder length when I was done. Because it was lopsided, and I kept trying to make it straight. Do you see where I am going with this? If I tried to shave a cake straight, I would end up with no cake, so I never even tried. 

Until yesterday. I just decided that I was by gum going to do it. 

So I did. Using the old fashioned butter cake recipe. 

Ha! There are crumbs on the table! I didn't even notice until right now! So that is the final result, and the thing got eaten. I must tell you, though, that the recipe did not meet my expectations. It is supposedly a one hundred year old recipe...when I told the Chief this, he said "It tastes a hundred years old." Bahahahahahahhaha! But seriously, the texture was weird and it wasn't really moist and delicious. The frosting was yummy, but it is pretty much the same chocolate butter cream that I have been making for years. Now, the reason the first photo is of a half eaten cake is because I am not technologically accomplished, and I was switching between my phone and laptop, and, well...that's just how it is. I also don't know why my text is not aligned on the left. 

The first problem I had in making this layer cake was pans. I don't actually have two round cake pans. Well, I do, but not the same size. I have three sizes of spring form pans that I have never used, a bunt pan, two angel food cake pans, about a dozen cookie sheets, a bunch of pie pans, and 4 13 by whatever cake pans, but the only round cake pans I have are the ones that I bought for baby duck 3's baby shower. There are about 5 of them, in graduating sizes, for a tiered cake. Baby duck 1 had left a round cake pan here, and so I picked the one from the tiered set that was closest to the same size, and ta da. There ya go. One was slightly bigger than the other. Both layers slope to the right. I don't know why. Probably the stove is not level??  I did not trim the tops. I did try to align the slopes. Anyway...I put a lot of frosting on and you couldn't even tell. 

OR maybe you can.  Also, I didn't have a cake plate to put it on, so that is a regular ole dinner plate and I kind of made a mess with the frosting. 

There you have it, my first attempt at a layer cake. I want to try again, but with a recipe that actually tastes good. I might even get a couple of same sized round cake pans. And maybe a cake 

plate. Except the budget is still squeaky tight, so maybe not. Maybe my next layer cake will still be odd sized, lopsided, and messily plopped on a dinner plate. But I hope that it tastes good!

The moral of this story is: make layer cakes even if they are imperfect and a little messy. 

Quack!!

I'm a fatty and I know it (but I work out sometimes).

Phone blogging! I guess we will find out together how this is going to work! Bet it will be a shirt post...No, not a shirt post, a short one! Sorry, I'm all thumbs right now! I attached some photos, but I don't currently know where they are, and therefore can't caption them.

The first is my dining room...it was dark red and now it is sage green, and I love it so much, and I wish I would have taken before and after.

Next is me and my oldest grandchild. We participated in a local 5k together, and it was super fun! I love that kid! I have two more 5k's lined up in June, and one in October!

The third is a pic of my second daughter, her hubby and my only grandson, Roscoe. They were here for Easter weekend. We made some memories!

Lastly, this is my scale. I gave it a makeover. I have launched a personal "Project Joy" in which I am no longer just enduring and powering through, But am experiencing actual joy in my life. This whole weighing and getting healthy thing has heretofore been dreary and depressing and painful, and I have decided that it is now going to be a joyful dance to my best self. So I painted my scale so that I would smile when I face it. It works, just so ya know.

If my pics don't show up, I hope you have a good imagination! The scale is an oceany blue with a sailboat on the bottom right corner, and a big fat sun on the top left.

And now for today's actual post subject...
I'm just going to go ahead and say it.
I'm fat.
Its not a secret.
At this point, there is no hiding it.
Its not that I'm a reasonable weight and just think I'm fat, like when I was in high school.
I'm actually fat now.
So what is so wrong in saying so?
Seems like there is a movement in the weight loss community where the word fat is a bad word. Curvy, full figured, plus size...
It all means the same.
Fat.
In many cases...but not all...definitely in mine...being this fat does indicate a certain lack of self discipline.
But so what?!
I'm not an Axe murderer, or a child abuser. Most people seem to like me well enough.
For the fat shamers out there...there are all kinds of human weaknesses...not being fat does not make you a fabulous person, or not. It just means you have different weaknesses.
So I like brownies and I would rather read or make greeting cards or chit chat with a friend over coffee than work out.
I am genetically dispositioned towards weight gain to start with, and yes that is a thing. Case in point: I birthed 5 kids. Three if them were (are!) skinny little things and two of them were chunkier. Served the same meals, raised in the same atmosphere.
Some medical conditions and some medications cause weight gain as well.
Having said all of that, I'm well aware that my fatness is causing health issues.
Even if I were to get back to ideal weight, I won't have a perfect body or be a head turner, but I will feel better and improve my heart/bp issues.
Sorry, that was for the fatty haters...I saw this subject discussed on Dr. Oz (just a short clip on YouTube, I've ditched the TV habit...didn't take long to get tired of all that mess, and I'm having the cable turned off for the sake of saving the budget) and got a bee in my bonnet.
Back to the subject: I don't  understand the avoidance of the word fat. It is what it is, and I already know that I am.
Clearly, though, I desperately need to change that. And so, here I go on my joyful dance towards good health!

Did I mention that I recently turned 50? It was sort of anticlimactic. So here I am, half a century old.

And I'm pretty sure I'm done now!
So I'm now going to post this and see if my pics show up!

Quack! (oops I'm.missing a pic)

Sprung Spring

     I wish that decorating my home was one of my strengths, but it's not. To be truthful, I can't even hang pictures because they won't be straight, or I will have 50 new holes in the wall because I didn't get it right. Also, i'm not that crafty. In fact, domestic stuff in general bores me to tears, and also, not very good at it, which makes me wonder what I AM good at and why didn't I do that, make an income, and hire people to do this stuff for me since NO ONE WANTS TO HELP ME.  I truly admire other peoples pleasingly appointed homes. There are several in my own family that have a knack for it. I don't know why they won't help me. All I ask is to keep my books and my plants, and to not spend a billion dollars.
    I'm thinking about this at the moment because it is spring. I haven't cared much all winter while in hibernation mode. Give me cookies and a book and i'm all good. But now the sun is shining and the weather is mild, and i've been out for some walks, and suddenly my house feels musty and clutter-y and suffocating and I am in full spring cleaning mode. That means that I got up this morning, got a wild hair, and started throwing stuff around, and now I have a big pile of junk that I don't know what to do with, and it is still pretty ho hum up in here. I'm still in my jamies at 1:26 in the afternoon. And all I really did was straighten up some bookshelves. You know, i've seen in some homes and online interestingly decorated book shelves. But I don't know what to put on mine to make them all pleasing to the eye, and also they are mostly filled up with BOOKS, and that is only maybe 1/4 of my book ownership. I need more bookshelves to put books on. Actually, I need a whole room of bookshelves filled with my books. So where am I supposed to put pictures and doo dads and stuff, and why don't I have pretty picture frames to put the pictures in to put somewhere instead of a drawer full of pictures that I fully intend to frame and put somewhere?
      Woe is me.

     Speaking of books, who has read any good ones lately?
     No romance novels.
     Nothing bittersweet, heart wrenching, or tear jerking.
     Nothing creepy or scary or morbid or sordid.
     Nothing with a sad or anti climatic ending.
     Maybe something with a heroine who is actually likable, interesting, courageous, independent, without being annoyingly pig headed and ridiculous...and possibly with a triumphant ending?
     Anybody? Anything?
     Has anybody read any of Cecilia Ahern's books, besides PS I Love You?
     I think I will read some YA's. But I hope to get ahold of some that are NOT littered with cursing and adult situations. I might need more Harry Potter.
     Speaking of Harry Potter, I really need a new set of them in hardback. Mine are pretty worn out, and a new set would be more attractive in my book filled bookcases.

     There is nothing about having my heart shredded that is of entertainment value to me.
     There is nothing interesting or romantic about going about my day, just another normal unremarkable day, and then getting that phone call that changes everything in just a few uttered words.  "I have bad news..." "I don't really want to tell you this, but..." " Oh my gosh, did you hear..." "ma'am, there is a body in that lake and you need to prepare for the worst"
     That happened to me again yesterday. Audrey and I had had a lovely walk that morning. The weather was just beautiful. The other girls had a half day at school because spring break has started, and that's always wonderful! After my daughter picked up her girls, and I was home alone with a quiet peaceful Friday evening stretching before me when I got the call. Just a little earlier, I had seen a post on Facebook that said "Biker down in Roswell, check your friends" and had immediately thought of my kin back "home" who ride, not really thinking that it would be one of them. But it was.  Our nephew (on the hub's side), cousin to my kids, son to my beloved sister- and brother-in-law. Horrible, horrible accident all dramatic and traumatic, and now another set of parents have joined the "Grieving Parents Club", another mama is burying a baby, and three children are without their father.  He has brothers and aunts and uncles and cousins and a grandma and a billion friends...all who's lives changed just. like. that.
     And he was one of Joey's pall bearers.
     And i'm so sad!
     For his parents and immediate family and his children.
     For all his extended family and friends.
     For The Chief.
     For me. I love that kid! He always made me laugh!
     For every mother who has lost one of her babies.
     Of which there is a startling number....

     Life is bittersweet and heart wrenching and tear jerking. These are not the more interesting aspects of living. Certainly not ones that I want to read about for escape and entertainment! Key word here: ESCAPE!!!

    I was already having a struggle with any of my kids (even though they are grown) going anywhere and doing anything, and not suffocating Last Baby Duck with overprotectiveness...

     Bleh.

    Moving right along:

     Okay! I'm going to work on spring cleaning some more!
     Happy weekend!
     Quack!

   

Secrets exposed

    "Life is too short to read depressing books." Susan Elizabeth Phillips
Isn't that just the truth?
I don't actually read much of SEP's work (although, as romance writers go, she's pretty good...and pretty funny!) I just am not really into the whole bodice ripper scene. I roll my eyes so hard sometimes that i'm afraid that they are going to get stuck up there. I used to read them by the dozens, but I guess I burned out and moved on.
   
      So I recently bought a pricey loaf of multi-grain bread, and was half way through the loaf before I discovered that this particular loaf of supposedly whole grain bread had LESS fiber than Mrs. Baird's "whole grain white". WHAAAAT?? So I went on a bread expedition to search out fiber, and the most I found was in Sara Lee Delightful multigrain. 90 calories and 5 grams of fiber per 2 slice serving. In case you are concerned about the fiber content of your bread. But, you probably don't eat bread, because I think that "bread" is a dirty word nowadays.
     What can I say, i'm a rebel. I eat bread. Sparingly, like peanut butter toast for breakfast, but still. There is my deep dark secret. I eat whole grain bread occasionally.

     I'm elated that it is March! Not that the weather has been particularly March-like. But the cold and snow has to stop sometime soon, right?? That reminds me, though, that April is next wherein I shall turn 50, and I might be having a bit of a passed-mid-life crises. I mean...50?? Really? Good for me, I guess, for making it to 50, but unless I live to be 100, which is doubtful I am already passed mid life, and I still don't have myself lined out. I may be running out of time.

    I wonder where you stand on the time change occurring this weekend? I know that some people just love it. I do not. I keep hearing that we are going to get an extra hour of daylight, but is that accurate? Isn't it just moving to the other end of the day? So when I am trying to wake up and get going in the morning, it is going to be dark longer, and when I am trying to wind down and get sleepy, it is going to be light. Personally, I still have to get up and go to bed at pretty much the same time...now that is going to be an hour earlier. I already have a ridiculous issue with those two things...going to bed and sleeping...then getting up in the morning. I am a night owl by nature, which makes the darker mornings/lighter nights appealing, but I have worked for years and years to over come, simply because with kids and a hubby who gets up and goes to work and whatnot, I haven't had the luxury of going with my natural flow.  I am now at the place that, with 10 mg of melatonin, perhaps a benadryl, and a passion flower capsule, I can accomplish sleep most of the time, and I can get up when I need to most of the time, and be semi functional. It is going to take ALL of spring and summer to adjust to the time change, and then right about the time i'm okay with it, it will change back. Bah humbug, that's what I have to say about that.

     Our first 5k is coming up in just a little over a month...I hope the mild weather holds so that I can get outside and hit the walking trail! Otherwise, the date of my demise will be April...uh...something. 18th? 23rd? Something like that.

   Babiest babiest duck (Roscoe) is here with his mom for the weekend! Good times!

Quack.

It's all Greek to me...

     When one asks the universe for answers, sometimes an answer is given.
      Take me, for example.
      In my last blog post, I was talking about being overwhelmed and confused about all the different "diets" and "weight loss plans", etc etc that are out there, and how in the world are we supposed to figure it all out? As it happens, I did more than talk about it. I pondered on it, and threw it out there to the universe, and here is what happened.
     The very day that I wrote that blog post, a "Living With Heart Failure" newsletter came in the mail. In it was an article about the Mediterranean Diet, stating that it was excellent for heart health.
     And I already had a book! I hadn't read it, but since it said "diet" on the cover, I bought it for a quarter at a garage sale, many moons ago. Since I am a book hoarder, I still had it! So, I read it. It was very dry reading and a lot of blah blah blah, but I managed to ferret out the gist of it, and had a little bit of an "aha" moment, but didn't give it a lot of energy, because I do have a bad habit of jumping on bandwagons without enough information.
     BUT! The NEXT day, I got a couple of magazines in the mail. I subscribe to three magazines, all of which I am bored to death with and hardly ever even read anymore, but never remember to cancel them.  I just happened to flip through one of them (Yoga Journal) and i'll be buttered and called a biscuit, there was an article about The Mediterranean Diet and heart health!
     There was no choice but to research. Guess what? There is tons of information, recipes, etc. etc. online for free! But, even though I said I was never ever ever ever EVER going to buy another diet book, I did. But it was only 6 bucks plus free shipping (holla for Amazon Prime!).  When it came, it was fun to read, simple, yet informative.
     It is not a "diet" that somebody made up. It wasn't formulated by a doctor or a fitness buff or who ever it is that concocts these diet plans. It is the way that actual people on the coast of the Mediterranean eat, and have eaten for forever! This area is a "blue zone" area, where health and longevity are the norm. A place where the incidents of heart disease, diabetes, certain cancer and Alzheimer's are VERY low, as well as depression/anxiety, and metabolic syndrome. (Too be sure, if I lived by the ocean I would be less depressed, too.)
    It's not a weight loss "plan", but a way of eating that encourages whole body health, which  then encourages excess weight loss! There are no strict rules or deprivation or counting anything. It is also economical. No weird stuff, unless you consider feta cheese to be weird, which I kind of do.  It does not require extreme workouts. It does encourage walking at least 30 minutes most days. There are no recommended supplements.
     Two of my favorite lines: "When eating well tastes like a yearlong vacation, it's easy and exciting to do!" and "The Mediterranean Diet isn't just about healthful living:it's about joyful living."
     I needed a refresher on what places are actually Mediterranean, so I looked it up.
There are several others as well, but I could be Spanish...or Italian...
   OR...i could be Greek!
I actually don't know very much about Greece except for Aphrodite.
I was going to say: "Wait...don't Greek women have mustaches? Oh, never mind, I do too so I would fit right in." But I actually don't know if that is a Greek stereotype, and if so, where I got it from.
So I looked it up. I got a page of Greek women images. Apparently Greek women look like models. Or maybe they were models, I don't know.
Not sure I would fit in after all.
But I do have an olive complexion.
   So i've decided to be Greek, and my Greek name is...Andromeda! You can just call me And.

     If we are going to get technical, the Mediterranean way is not that different than the advice given by health/weight loss moderates...IE, Sparkpeople. But shush....this is my mind game.

     I once knew a Greek boy in high school. I was good at high school (but haven't been particularly good at anything since), and every year I went to State Deca Competition.  This boy was there every year as well. I think his name was John, but he had a very long complicated Greek last name. We sought each other out each year, walking the mall and having lunch together. Not only was he very cute, he was also very nice, and perhaps if we had email or text messaging 30+ years ago, this might be a longer story. I wonder what became of him?

    One more message from the universe: just yesterday "Cooking Light" showed up in my mailbox. I've been getting this magazine for probably 3 years and never have used one of their recipes. But this current issue was chalk full of recipes that fit right in with the Mediterranean Way.

   I don't have unrealistic expectations, unlike my hot mess of a friend Vivian. She is panicking that she is about to be 50 (she has the same birthday as me) and that summer is right around the bend, and is now determined to lose 60 lbs in the next couple of months.
Personally, I have decided that I am going to focus on heart health and see what happens, while mentally living on a Greek island.

   Valentine's day has come and gone.
    I made some homemade peanut butter cups for my fella. Audrey "helped". By that I mean, she sat on the counter and ate ingredients, and then bonked her head on the floor when I took her off the counter and put her down, against her will.  Then I painstakingly shaped the peanut butter mix into hearts, (at the dining room table, not the counter) which took some time, and then Audrey smashed them, so the didn't turn out very heart shaped.  They were kind of hard to dip in the chocolate...it got pretty messy. In the end, they weren't pretty, but they were delicious and well received anyway!

    Know what else happened that weekend? The 50 Shades movie came out, and has been the subject of much conversation and debate. (I did not see the movie. Just read the books, and enjoy getting to rant about it.)
    This is all I have to say:
    A.) Why was this wealthy, handsome but messed up guy interested in Ana? Oh, because she was mousy and he could "mold" her. No other reason. Not that plain unremarkable people are unworthy of attention, but really, there has to be something to attract a rich good looking guy, who probably has a choice of many...like, a personality, or amazing character or something. Ana had nothing.
    B.) "My tastes are very singular." BOOOOOOORING!!!!! I bet before too long, Ana would be all "really? The room again? Siiiiiiigh. Ok." and then will proceed to practice the times table or make a grocery list or mentally redecorate until it is over. And she will be saying (even if just mentally) "Get away from me, freak! Let me feed the baby in peace!"
   C.) If I were C's parents, I would be suing a therapist. Evidently, he/she was incompetent, if he was in therapy all those years and still that messed up. Clearly C was born psycho. (I personally know kids who suffered hideously at the hands of their relatives, and then suffered more in the foster care system, were adopted into a loving safe stable family, and are amazing well adjusted kids!)
   D.) If you get involved with a "bad boy", you are going to get stuck with a "bad boy". I did not get the "ooooh, but if you look past the sex, it was a great romance." Um. No it wasn't. It was two messed up people in a dysfunctional relationship, and probably their kid is going to be dysfunctional, as well.Adult people that messed up cannot be saved by "true love"., at least not the human variety. It just doesn't happen and it is irresponsible to pretend like maybe it does.  (Personal experience, right here! It was ugly.)

     And also, I have deduced that maybe this weird story was maybe written by a man and passed off as being written by a woman!
   Because: An absolute innocent and a man with plenty of experience....
                   A whole room just for sex!
                    Teenaged C having "a relationship" with a much older woman (and not being upset by it)
                    That Ana was all worried about ever displeasing him...
                   He was controlling down to what she ate....
That's all "boy stuff".
       The only other explanation is that "we" as women in the collective sense, have taken our liberation to the extreme in that "we" have become men.
     Also, I don't really know much about "fan fiction", but that is what 50 Shades supposedly was, inspired by the "twilight" series.
      Fan fiction sounds an awful lot like trying to rip off someone else's idea, but if that's the case this man failed miserably! Whatever you do or don't think of Twilight, (I was team Jacob all the way!) at least Edward was a gentleman and refused Bella's advances because he did not want to hurt her, and he held out all the way until after they were married.
     I don't really think this is Twilight fan fiction.
     I think it is probably Anne Rice fan fiction.
The only reason I know this is because, having purchased the 50 shades on my ereader, all kinds of wierdo stuff popped up on my suggested reading list, and I am the curious sort. As it happens, Anne Rice wrote an "erotic" trilogy about...guess what...submission/bondage.
  The most disturbing thing about all this is that TEENAGE girls are all over this. We are going backwards.
    And now i'm over it and moving on!
    Pssssh....get on outta here with your "my tastes are very singular."

     In other news,  I'm looking at participating in something like 4 0r 5 5k events in the next few months, the first in April and the last in October...one with inflatable obstacles and one involving foam...so someone better get to training!

    Hope you're all having a fabulous weekend...my fella is home, but he has man flu...


Sincerely,
And
   

Come with me now

     I recently read an article about plus size models. Did you know that they wear pads to make them more "plus size" in certain places?? Like hips and bum and boobs. Their waists/bellies are not padded. Therefore, it is not a true representation of plus sized women, and those clothes do not fit actual plus sized women like that. That's pretty bogus, if you ask me, but what might one expect from the advertising world? Never mind actual real people of a certain size that might enjoy looking and feeling nice in their clothes. Let's just manipulate them into spending money on disappointment!

    I also recently read an article (I read a lot of articles) about another diet. It was actually in that one weekly mag that features a different "diet" every week. What surprised me is that this is a diet plan that I have only heard of from one other person, and didn't actually get that it was a "real" thing. So it's the "Fit Healthy Mama" diet, and the premise is: One can eat both carbs AND fat! Just not together.  If  one has a higher fat meal, it should be low carb. If one has a high carb meal, it should be low fat.
      This makes a certain kind of sense, and seems not too complicated. Until you think about it for a minute. What exactly do they call "low carb" or "low fat"? Clearly, one of my favorite breakfasts of rye or sourdough (higher in resistant starch) toast with peanut butter and a banana would be a no go.  Carb, carb, fat. Nope.  My other favorite breakfast of eggs, asparagus, and half a grapefruit seems like it would fit, if the eggs were cooked with a tiny amount of fat.  (Who ever would have thought of having asparagus for breakfast?? Not me, but it was in the meal plan with the Brazil Butt Lift program, and I tried and loved it! Too bad asparagus is so seasonal...and pricey.)
    I will spare you every thought I had, but I was curious and wanted to know more and lo and behold, there is a book on Amazon for this diet plan! I desperately want to read it, but it costs $30.  I have purchased and read SO MANY "diet plan" books, and now i'm over it. I refuse to get sucked into another one.
    It seems to me that this whole thing should not be so complicated! I mean, come on! There are a bazillion different "diet plans" and each one has a compelling argument for it. (Also someone somewhere is making a bunch of money on it.) I have tried many, including good old fashioned calorie counting. I have lost a significant amount of fat twice, and then regained it...twice. (Incidentally, yo-yoing is not good for the heart.)  It stands to reason that the best "plan" would be the one that is actually a change in eating patterns forever! Of course, I have read this a bazillion times. This is what Sparkpeople preaches constantly. But I hate counting calories, and know myself well enough to know that that only lasts a short time until i'm fed up with it.
    The truth is, I have to lose the weight again. Clearly, I am not vain enough to keep it off for appearance sake. It truly is a matter of life and death.
     Once upon a time, I had an hourglass figure.  Now i'm an apple. Or, a pumpkin. One of those prize winning giant ones. Most of my fat lands right on my belly, and that is why I really just need some maternity clothes.
     And, well, belly fat is the worst kind of fat, cardiovascularly speaking.

Did you know this is heart health month? Red Dress and all that. Since this has recently become a subject of great interest to me, let's talk about that!
     I'm a woman. I'm 49 years old. I have spent the better part of 4 years attempting to outrun my genetics, which leans towards heart disease. Losing weight, working out, etc etc.
I have a strong immune system and hardly ever get sick. When I do get sick, it's pretty mild. For example, if everyone else in the house is puking up their guts, I feel a bit nauseous.
     But I have heart "disease".  I didn't even know until it almost killed me! I mean, who would of thought??? I didn't have a heart attack. I don't have high cholesterol or clogged arteries. I actually thought I had pneumonia which my doctor was treating me for. So when I could not breath, I just waited for the antibiotics to work.  If my daughters had not insisted that I go to the ER, I  might well have died. Turns out my heart was not pumping effectively, and all of me was filling up with fluid, including my lungs and around my heart.  Boom, congestive heart failure. The very thing I was working so hard to avoid. And GUESS WHAT? The whole event was likely exacerbated by all the water I was drinking!!! As it turns out, the more fluid I drink, the greater my blood volume, and the harder it is on my heart. So, i'm on fluid restriction. Really!! Opposite of what we are told for healthfulness!!
    I had pre-eclampsia with baby 3.
    I tried to take birth control twice, and was removed from it twice, because it caused high blood pressure.(Hence, 5 children.)
    Did you know that these are indicators of future heart disease?
    I did not.
    Apparently, i didn't read enough articles about it.
     Incidentally, the fact that I had gestational diabetes is an indicator of future diabetes that I also have to watch out for.

This is my life, and why it is imperative to lose this belly fat.
If we're going to be real and honest, let's just say that cake is not allowed in this house from this day forth. Not that I can never have a piece of cake, but it can't live in my house, because I will eat it until it's gone.
Also, Burger King runs must cease. Often, after running around after Audrey all day and then needing to clean up after her and do my own stuff,  i'm not overly enthused about cooking dinner for 2 or 3 people. It is far easier to get fast food, and if you know i'm on a tight budget, it's less expensive for two people than my random grocery shopping.
Clearly, those two skill sets needs addressing...cooking for two (or three) people, and efficient grocery shopping.
My plan is to nourish my body moderately and normally, without excess thought about this or that or whatever, with food that contains actual nourishment and in reasonable portions and get the exercise in, and not eating out of boredom or for emotional reasons.
We will see how that goes.

And now you know the real root of my weight issues.
And I do too.

And i'm almost 50. 5-0. FIFTY!!!! Whaaaaaat????? How, what, when??? 50???
It's not that I mind growing older. To tell the truth, the forties have been my best decade yet. (As far as being comfortable being me and whatnot...)
But 50?
I'm pretty bummed, because four years ago I was certain that I was going to be one hawt fit granny by 50, but i'm actually nearly right back where I started from, and it's only two months until the big 5-0.  That makes me irritated with myself and also discouraged.
Also, I can pretty much guarantee that I am PASSED middle age. I mean, barring random accidents or catastrophic illness, it still is unlikely that I will live to be 100.
Certainly not, if I don't get heart healthy.
It's not that I mind aging, it's that I am forced to face my mortality and to think about all the things I have wanted to do that I haven't done, and the clock is ticking. My life has not gone at all how I meant it too, and i'm running out of time to change course.
If I had it all to do over again, I would have done something useful with my brain and been the Chief's sugah momma.
Is it too late for that?

 We are thinking of looking into getting a treadmill for the house. That way, we could go for a walk only wearing sneakers if we wanted too! I mean, I wouldn't want to, but it would be an option! I might like to see the Chief do it, hahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaa!!! Anyway, we will see how the job and the budget go, but it's a thought.


   It has been beautiful and sunny and warm the last few days! It is just sooo glorious to feel the weight of dark and dreary lifted up by one ray of sunlight!

     Sun hits you, Hallelujah!
     Sun hits you, Hallelujah!
'Cause summer funk gonna give it to ya!

That's a paraphrase.

It is amazing to me how warmth and sunshine changes the whole landscape of my thoughts and feelings, and I know that another freeze and probably more gloom and cold are somewhere in the near future, I have seen the light and i'm ready to take on life again!

How 'bout you?

  Whoa, come with me now!
  I'm gunna take you down!
   Whoa, come with me now!
  I'm gunna show you how!

I don't really know what that means, but that's my jam.

Quack.

Psychology today, according to me.

Hi!
Guess what day it is?
Naw, not camel day...
It's blog day!

What should we talk about?
The world according to Val?
Again?

It's a glum, dark, rainy day here in these parts. I am so over it, and wishing for sunshine! Thank goodness for seasons. They don't last forever. Which, in the case of summer, is not really a good thing. I should have been born Polynesian. Or something.

Operation Don't Be A Wimp is limping right along. There were some successful days, and some not so much.

Do you want to hear about my calorie consumption and the details of my work outs?
I didn't think so. I wouldn't want to either.
It really hasn't been that interesting, anyway.
I know that this isn't just me...I like to have something that I am passionate about, to direct my energies. So when I am working on getting (back) into shape, that's what I think about, talk about...obsess about?
Or it might be, say, algebra.
I miss algebra. I can't even believe I am saying that. It is so hard, so frustrating, so scary...but I miss the challenge! I miss having my brain stretched, new pathways etched into it, and you know what? I not only learned some Algebra, but I learned that A.) With enough effort, I CAN learn math, and B.) I can spectacularly fail, and not die from it!! And C.) get back on that equation and factor it on out.
:D
I kind of wish that I was doing algebra right now.
Or anything really...I miss school in general. It was keeping me on my toes. Giving my brain something to do. A focus. A goal.
Now i'm plopped right back into my comfort zone, and I don't really like it here!

So I have this...ah...friend. Let's call her Vivian. She's kind of a mess. Vivian is supposed to be out walking thirty minutes a day. Seems easy enough, right? Put on her sneakers,  step out the door and walk briskly for 15 minutes, turn around and walk back home. Not rocket science. Not hard. Not intimidating. But Vivian is having a real problem with this, and the problem's name is Dog. You see, a hundred or so years ago, when Vivian was a teenager, she was out riding her bike, being all cute and stuff, and out of nowhere, a big ole Doberman starting chasing her, and actually bit her in the behind. So even though this happened SO LONG AGO, and she has not been attacked since, she has this completely irrational ridiculous phobia of big dogs, and will not go walking down the street (alone) for fear that there is some rabid mongrel waiting to attack.
How can we help Vivian?
Or is she just a hopeless case?
I think I would tell Vivian to stop making excuses, get in her car and drive 3 minutes to the walking trail where there are other people to at least call 911 if a random dog does decide to maul her.

Personally, I went on two walks this week! We were fortunate enough to have a couple of sunny warmish days, and I actually had some company, and it felt WONDERFUL to get out in the sunshine and get the ole blood pumping!
And now it's cold and rainy. And I don't have company.
I did do a T25 workout though!
First of all, it was a gigantic hassle, because our 10 or 12 year old pc crashed, so I can not longer play DVDs on it. I have about a zillion workout DVD's, but they are useless without a means to view them.
We do have a gaming system on which DVDs  can be played. However, there are these wires that have to be hooked up to a certain place, and some have to be unplugged and others plugged and it's all so confusing, so I had to have help from my teenage daughter to accomplish that. After a little grumbling and some eye rolling (one would think that the kids would be SO HAPPY to help out their mamma!) we got that done.
If you are not aware, T25 is one of the family of extreme workouts from Beachbody. Shawn T of Insanity fame is the brawn behind this workout.
I am not sure if my cardiologist would approve, but I didn't die. I don't believe that this is a long term solution for me, as it is very high impact, and my knees aren't having it. Short term, there are low impact options, if you don't mind being the pansy in the group. It was enough to get me all sweaty and my heart pumping!
I also own the Brazil Butt Lift DVD collection from Team Beachbody, and it is far more low impact than T25.
I just don't know how wonderful it would be to have a fabulous bum, while the rest of me is still all fat and squishy.
J/K, it really is a whole body program, including cardio, with emphasis on bum sculpting muscle work.

Back to my friend, Vivian...she also has a bunch of work out DVDs. The trouble she has is just picking one! She has this weird perfectionism thing going on, and can't just pick one, because what if it is not the perfect workout for her? What if the mix of cardio and strength building is not balanced enough?
Also, as part of this perfectionism, if she is not going to feel like a kick butt amazonian warrior woman with great abs, why bother? So she tends to choose the more extreme versions, burns herself out quickly, and gives up.
This woman really needs more help than we can give her, I think.
Since Vivian has a heart issue (like mine) I am advising her to just PICK ONE, heavy on the cardio, since her heart is the muscle most in need of strengthening at this time. When the heart is healthier the rest will follow, that's what i'm going to tell her.
Or, just drive 3 minutes to the walking trail (when it is not raining buckets) and WALK BRISKLY!
After all, 5k season is coming up SOON, and the color run is calling my...er, I mean her...name.

I mentioned in a previous post about how we haven't had TV until recently, and "we" (meaning the chief) decided we needed it so "we" (meaning the guys) could watch football. Until VERY VERY recently, I didn't even turn it on if the guys weren't around to watch football. But then I got deeply entrenched in a funk and wasted a lot of time watching Bones re-runs and Hallmark movies. My intention was to STOP DOING THAT, but instead I branched out,  fascinated and horrified by the other viewing choices available. I am pretty amazed by the number of "reality" shows. Although I don't know how real they actually are. Probably not very. Who would actually go on TV like that?? There has got to be some very decent financial compensation going on there.
It hasn't all just been a waste, though.
For example, i've watched a few episodes of My 600 LB Life. What I have learned from that is that I don't ever ever ever want to be 600 pounds, and if I don't get on it, it could happen! And watching some of those people make the excuses they make for being 600 pounds gave me an awareness of maybe some of my own excuses, and ew, how lame. STOP THAT, self!
Then there is the one called something like "Big women, big love", and what I learned from THAT is that, well...nothing, except the trouble these women have with their love lives and other parts of their existence has very little to do with being big.
Except, I suppose that having self esteem issues and lack of confidence might cause one to behave in certain ways and maybe not make the best choices. In fact, it could cause one to behave as if they were desperate, which is kind of sad to watch, once I get passed the initial "train wreck" reaction.
Watching Hoarders makes me super glad that I don't have that particular issue, and also makes me feel much better about my own house, and also makes me want to get rid of more stuff.
Random observation: there are a number of shows about obese people. It seems to be a point of fascination. Also, about "little people", which I don't really get.
My theory is that these kinds of shows are so prolific because it makes us feel better about ourselves to watch them.
I feel sort of ashamed for sinking so low, and what would really make me, personally, feel better about myself is to knock it off and live my own life, and make more of an effort to help empower my poor hot mess of a friend, Vivian, and maybe be a better example to her.
Also, I am feeling like I really need to catch up with Dwayne and Dixie and "Bad Dawg" Jack, those crazy rednecks in Outer Space.

And that is all for this addition of "The World According To Me".
Quackity Quack and all that...

Operation Don't Be a Wimp

     This blog is more of a mind dump, brain vomit sort of place than anything else. I should rename it.
I can't post pictures of my projects or recipes or decorating ideas because I am technologically inept, and also I don't really have any pictures of those things. Because, ya know...I don't really do them.
 
     I would have made a horrible pioneer. However simple and straight forward and appealing that era may seem, I can't imagine spending my life doing laundry in tubs by hand or cooking on a camp fire, or carrying water from the creek for washing dishes. I seriously love my dishwasher. It was super tragic when it recently stopped doing it's job. The water would not drain, suggesting a clog. I mentioned this problem to the men in my life, but at that time none of them were around long enough to deal with it. So one evening, I thought I would just do it myself. I baled the nasty water out of it. I un-hooked-up the drain hose and ran a straightened clothes hanger down it...no clog there. So, I did what I knew to do...poured a whole bottle of drain-o in it! I would like to say that that is the end of the dishwasher story, but that would be a lie.
      It still didn't drain. So I ran a rinse cycle to see what would happen.
     What happened was a whole lot of draino scented bubbles oozing out the bottom.
     Oops.
     So there it sat, full of draino, for about three more days, and then my nephew and the Chief were home at the same time. They shop vacced the draino water out, pulled the dishwasher out of it's place, and found the clog.
     And I am thrilled to have an operational dishwasher again!

     I think that I would be far better off it I didn't have Facebook. Social media has it's place, and I haven't deleted it yet because there are some people I just want to stay in touch with. Some of the things that show up on my newsfeed, though, I could pretty much do without. I try not to read or involve myself in much of it, but sometimes I get sucked in. What I find myself reading is the comments of others on some of this stuff, and I have to stop doing that.
     That people feel so free to be rude and hateful on such a wide variety of subjects is just disturbing! Often times, these comments turn into arguments, which then turn into name calling and insults, among people who do not even know each other, and it's like being in the room with a bunch of little kids. "You're stupid". "You don't even know how to spell." "Oh, ya? Well, your fat."
Looking back on history, it is not so outrageous to think about the gladiator era or christians being thrown in with lions.  As long as you're not the one being thrown into the arena, it's all fun and games.  If you are the one in the arena, oh, too bad for you! You should have went to work for Mcdonalds.

    Here is a random paragraph about sex. If you don't want to hear me talk about it, you might want to skip it.
A.) I have 5 children. I have been married for a long time. I am not a prude or a cold fish. I have no objections to that particular activity.
B.) There are SO MANY parts of life and many aspects of a relationship, and sex really is just one small piece of a whole ginormous picture.
C.) Sex is not rocket science. We all pretty much come hardwired for it. An instruction manual is not really necessary.
D.) The "cowboys" in those pics? The ones with huge biceps, six packs, and hairless chests? Um...they aren't really cowboys. They are models who spend a great deal of time and energy on their appearances so they can dress like a cowboy and have their picture taken.  Also, they shave  (or wax) their chests so that they can look like they haven't gone through puberty yet. (And we say men are pervs!)
E.) Reality isn't always wonderful, but BALANCE between reality and make believe is not a bad thing. Sometimes (ALOT of time) our expectations could stand to be tempered for overall contentment and happiness.
F.) Not just in this matter, but the whole of life...
G.) This from a person who lives with her nose in a book...
H.) But not that kind of book...
I.) If I did not have Facebook,  seeing ads for the 50 shades movie and authors asking questions about their readers' opinions on the "experience" level of book heroes, we wouldn't be having this discussion.
J.) End of this subject.

    New subject: If you read my last post, you know that I was kind of gloomy feeling. My Eeyore phase, and of all of my moods, the one I like the least.  It may not have been a fun post, but it was cathartic, and the only thing I would have done differently would have been to write it in a letter and send it to one of my BFF's who would know it was just a passing phase and be done. BUT I didn't do that, I put it out there in public, and as much as I wish I would not have, what's done is done. After that post, I launched Operation Don't Be A Wimp.
     A.) I deleted my Pou app.
That's about it.
But HEY! It's a start, right?
     I know that when I get in a funk, eating well and exercising are so useful for getting out of it.
Also, part of my funk is irritation with myself that I worked so hard to lose all that weight and then I gained most of it back. And now i'm a rolly polly again, and i'm living in leggings and maternity....um, I mean, uh, tunic shirts.  If I was only tall and statuesque...but no, i'm a hobbit, and most of my weight goes to my gut, so i'm pretty sure i'm just about as round as I am tall. And, well, I already have a heart issue, and losing weight, especially belly fat, is one of several things that I need to do to improve my heart health.
     Honestly, it just gets so complicated. What IS healthy eating? There are so many opinions, and plans, and this group swears by this and that group swears by that, and eating (a necessary function for keeping body and soul together) has practically become a moral issue. Whaaat? You eat peanut butter? You are going to burn.
     There is Paleo, Atkins, vegetarian, fat, no fat, carbs, no carbs, eat fat AND carbs, but  not together...
I foolishly read a weekly magazine, and every week, a "diet" is published. Each week is a different one, and all of them claim to work wonders, and naturally they often conflict! One week is "Improved Atkins....loose a bazillion pounds in 2 weeks and feel fabulous" and the next is "Down with Atkins, be a vegetarian and loose a bazillion pounds the first week and feel super fabulous".
I am so anxious about choosing the one way of nourishment that is going to fuel a healthy body that I give up and eat cupcakes.
Also, cupcakes are delicious, so I don't need much of an excuse.
Which probably means I DESERVE to die young and burn...
   When I lost weight the first time around, I did good old fashioned calorie counting. It worked for the first 30 lbs, and then I was stuck for about a year. So, then I went lo-carb and lost a bunch more. Lo carb worked really well and I felt really good, and I wasn't hungry and mean feeling all the time.
But.
I am now on a super duper tighter-than-something-that's-really-tight budget.
We are talking, beans and tortillas tight.
Carba-licious.
Which basically means, my choice is reduced to calorie counting.
Which means being hungry and mean feeling.
So basically, i'm going to die sooner than later if I choose the "wrong" diet, or
i'm going to die sooner than later from obesity, lack of movement, and heart disease...
so why not die sooner than later with chocolate frosting and a smile on my lips??

Just joking...sort of...

 *End of brain dump*

Ramblin' Woman

Today's post is going to be a ramble, just so you know up front.
I'm having a lot of anxiety, and when I have a lot of anxiety my brain fires up and thinks forty billion thoughts at once, and sorting them out is impossible, so here we go!

Hi, my name is Mama Duck, and it has been two weeks since I wrote a post.
You may (or may not!) wonder what i'v been up to for the past two weeks. The answer to that is, not very much.
The funk that I have been grappling with is winning.
I took the semester off of college to get my life in order. From 7:30 am to 4:00 pm, it's all about keeping grand daughter Audrey fed, changed, entertained and alive. That becomes more of a challenge as she has recently decided that she's a goat and is climbing everything! The other day, a turned my back for a very short time (attempting to stay ahead of the whirlwind damage!) and I found her sitting in the middle of the kitchen table, where she had knocked over a partial cup of coffee and was checking her blood pressure with the monitor that I keep there.
There is a park about a half a block away that we will be frequenting once the weather is conducive to such.
After Audrey's mama picks her up, I do some housework, and then there is dinner, and the plan is to get my exercise in and spend the evening writing.
That has not been happening.
Because I am in a funk, I have spent a lot of time wasting time.
I personally am not a big TV or movie watcher. I would way rather read for entertainment/escapism. But we do have cable, which is recent...prior to that we did not have TV, except as a computer monitor. We have a pretty large screen TV for that purpose because The Chief wanted to be able to see to play Bejeweled. But he is never home to play it. And now the computer crashed. And recently we got cable so that the boys could watch football. (!!!!) So. Just lately I have wasted a lot of time watching Bones reruns, cheesy Hallmark movies,  and playing Pou games on my phone. I have gotten really good at Food Drop and feel compelled to beat my own score.  Because I am on edge, I can't concentrate to read. Or write. Which I am supposed to be doing.
The professor of my writing class very strongly urged me to write a whole book based on one of my short stories. And even though he resigned and moved away this semester, he offered to read and comment on what I write and hook me up with places to submit my work.  But I don't have time to write, because, well, there is Bones and Food Drop...mindless activities.
So why am I in a funk???
First of all, it's winter. After the past few years, I decided that I wasn't going to have a favorite season or a least favorite season, because after all...stuff happens in all seasons, they are all necessary, and life is too short to be grumpy about a season. But the cold and the gloom and the snow and ice...well, I just have a little bit of seasonal depression, and that's just how it is.
And the family drama that I can't talk about just keeps going on and on and on and oooonnnn without end and it's exhausting.
If you have Facebook, you've likely seen the thing that says something like "if you find yourself being pulled into other people's drama, just remember...not my circus, not my monkeys."
BUT THESE ARE MY MONKEYS!!!!! And apparently I was an ineffective mama duck because I trained these monkeys! And these are the kinds of situations that are occurring!!
Whew. Glad to get that off of my chest.
And then there is this...which I don't much talk about because somehow, The Chief's job is controversial in some circles. To us, it's how he makes a living, using the skills he has to provide for his family and help as many others as possible the best way he knows how.
He has an oilfield job. And unless you live under a rock, you likely know what's going on in the oilfield. Thousands and thousands of layoffs. Rig upon rig stacking.
Disaster for some of us.
I've been keeping up with some conversations regarding this occurrence, and it ASTOUNDS me that people are soooooooooo combative and contentious towards one another.
"We" are not responsible for gas or oil prices. Personally, I feel like there ought to be some balance. The price gouging in boom towns seems to be less "free enterprise" and more flat out greed, and I don't think it ought to be that way. I think there should be a balance between affordable fuel and people keeping their jobs. Our family is not becoming wealthy. WE are not owners of oil companies. The Chief EARNS a comfortable living by working hard! There is a lot of sacrifice involved for our family. He is away most of the time, working long hard hours and living in a man camp. That leaves me here almost as a single parent...everything else is my responsibility! At this exact point in time, our youngest has just turned 18, so we don't have little children now, but we did, and he and they have missed out on a lot of "family" stuff.
Eh, well, I just spent an hour explaining things, and then erased it all, because it doesn't matter.
The fact is, we are in a pickle. 2009 was our first bust as an oilfield family, and we lost everything and would have been homeless except family took us in. It was shocking, stressful, and humiliating, but we lived. And now, even though we have made an effort to live modestly and not extravagantly, it's happening again, and this is why i'm stressed out. I ask myself...well, ya lived through it last time, why are you so stressed out? And the answer is: naturally, nobody would want to repeat such an uncomfortable experience, and also, even though I thought I was way passed caring what other people think about me, apparently i'm not, and the humiliation of it all is getting me down. That's why I was trying to explain. But then I decided not too. Because it doesn't matter.
Except, this is why i'm in a funk.
And why i've been escaping into mindless time wasting.
I don't even know what to do right now.
I feel sort of dazed and confused, and maybe done. Except being done isn't actually an option.But definitely discouraged and anxious.
The Chief currently still has a job, and has been working pretty regularly, but there was a company wide pay cut to attempt to avoid layoffs. That has now ground to a halt and work is scarce. So yay, he is employed, but is looking at days and days of no work. Ya don't get paid if you don't work.
Guess i'll attempt to get a job, but that did not work out so well for me the last time I tried because I have no employment history for the past 20 years. And now EVERYONE will be looking for a job.
And I have news for Dave Ramsey...our "emergencies" ALWAYS exceed the initial 1000.00 emergency fund. And there have been a few just in 2014.
The good news is that our kids are all of age, and only one at home (of age but still in high school) so if we end up in a tent, well, she's a big kid.
The bad news is,  my daughter's family and my niece's family are also oilfield families, facing the same crises, so we may just have to create a family tent city.

ANYway...now that i've put all that out there...
I actually feel a little better. Except I just burdened you with my issues. Which I have been avoiding.
But now I have to move on from Bones.
And remember that I am a spiritual being having a human experience.
And that no matter what, I probably won't die. Unless I can't keep up with my medical bills and have another heart episode and am refused treatment, which I thought could not happen but apparently I was mistaken cuz this just happened to someone I know.

That's all.
Quack!